I Got an emergency call from Billy Bob, he needed me and Running Deer to help provide
security at his cousin Calamity Jane's wedding to Bradley "Jimbo" Wheatley; OH GREAT.
I had seen them both around; Jane was some type of hillbilly cowgirl and Bradley
resembled a leprechaun in training; should be on a box of Lucky Charms. Gre------attttttt.
We got to Calamity's folks house, and all was set. Lotta space, multi-colored grass,
nice double wide trailor; there were many guests, tables and chairs, a buffet catered by Possum
Pete's Emporium, lotsa decorations, and a preacher who was dressed as if he d just left
the Magical Mystery Tour.. OKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Jane and Bradley were a blushing virgin couple,this despite they fact they d had about
12 previous marriages between them (not sure if half-siblings count). So, the festivities started,
and immediately Running Deer and I noticed 2 things; we were the only ones not packing firearms,
and because of that fact,we needed to give some friendly, efficient advice,
so no casulties were incurred during the reception.
I spoke to Calamity's folks, telling them...
A sign stating, "Cross this threshold and I ll blow off your face" is
Not as appropriate as a Welcome Mat.
Liquor and heavy machinery don t mix; leave the Stump till after the reception.
When a wedding is held in your Backyard you must tell the guests 3 things
Where the sink holes are......... Where you keep the dogs ................. Where Uncle Rufus is buried…
People’s names go on the place cards, Peter, Susan, John, or Mary; the
Place cards should not read, SIT HERE, you Lazy Bastard, you Heartbreaking Tramp...
Mr. Softie or Slut On Board.
Never ask your guests to Fondue something that is Still Alive
Showing your other daughter's honeymoon video is a no-no, even if it
Is the one where the Bellboy joins in.
So the vows were exchanged, something about never exchanging gun fire over bowling scores,
sharing the deer's heart equally, and the feast began. Speaking of which, I thought the
choices of reception entrees were chicken or fish, not something that was bled out that afternoon.
To fix that possible problem, Running Deer had brought a pocket full of loose change,
so that everyone could enjoy a full 6 course meal at the Trailer Park's Vending Machines.
Running Deer and I advised several guests ..
Listen friend; At the salad bar, if you bite a hunk of cheese and disapprove of it, that's fine,
But leave… it….. On Your Plate.
They have Tongs available for a reason.
When the waiter asks you to pick a crayfish, he means Point to it, not Dive In the tank
For it.
Leave your Pet Snake at home, watching him eat a Mouse doesn’t t enhance
Anyone’s appetite, least of all the Mouse's.
Your sleeve may work just fine, but use the Napkin.
Billy Bob was no help; once in a fancy restaurant, he threw coins in the Bidet
and made a wish. Jackass.
Suddenly a man drove up in an old banged up truck; Billy Bob explained this
was Jesse, um, well, just outta jail. Oh-Oh..........I went to him, smiled, told
him simply, "Jesse,you don t catch the garter, you don t try to catch the garter,
actually when they throw the garter, I want you under a table". Jesse was
scared, he d used expired coupons at the store and thought maybe that
violated his parole. He had food on his mouth, he said he had been hungry
in the store. We figured he d had a peanut or some grapes, turns out this
bastard ate a can of pork+beans. He also asked if Summers Eve was a
new salad dressing. Jesse was a problem. His hands were covered with
chilblains, and he explained that was cause he worked in the prison laundry;
hmmmmmmm why not wear gloves, I mean, there must have been some
very unidentifiable and downright disgusting shit on them prisoner's clothes.
Seems Jesse was boycotting gloves, since he d worn them during his
robbery and got caught anyways. But he was a new man, in the store,
some dude was in the express lane with 16 items, and the old Jess wudda
gagged the guy and tied him to the roof of the truck. Jess joined the
festivities.
The band played on; they were a combination of, I Think, rock, country,techno,
shmucko, disco, classical, metal, punk, they gave off the sound of tortured creatures in hell.
The group, The Wheatcracker Specials, played a tribute song to Jane,
titled "The Ballad of Boot Hill------billy" and then, amazingly played "Danny Boy"
for the groom via banjo, spoons, and knuckle cracks. Not exactly the Irish
Tenors, but hey!!!!!!
I was just glad the bridesmaids decided to make seperate trips to the dance floor;
since they actually buckled the patio during "Thriller". When they hit the pond in tandem
i was waiting for the tsunami warning siren to go off.
We were warned of gate-crashing lodge brothers; these were easily spotted
as they were the only ones kissing the bride open-mouthed while lifting up her gown.
Running Deer and I agreed on the food and gifts; first of all sparrows don t taste
just like chicken, secondly Don t register the bride with Critter Stuff;
we doubt a Bison tongue will serve any purpose in the Boudoir.
We were taken out back to see their summer place, and it was encouraging to see
that the rope up to the tree house was new and strong.
Suddenly the bride threw her bouquet, Jess yelled "pull" and skeet shot it;
we grabbed him and locked him in the root cellar.
Billy Bob was seeking out a condom machine, till we explained that it means more
if you actually have a date. Billy had noticed an unexpected guest, his niece/former fiancee,
Tulip, she was a Shooter's Girl, no not a Hooter's Girl, a Shooter's girl, and along with
ending global warming, fixing the econony , saving the insects, and looking good in postage stamp
sized bikini, she also had just been upgraded to the second shift at Dairy Queen. Quite the catch;
But................she was dating Pan, yes, Pan, lead singer of the Wheatcracker Specials.
As the booze had flowed, we got them apart and I was alone with Pan.
Pan's real name was Stumpy, he called himself Pan, not over the creature in Greek mythology,
but after the word pan--ache, which though he couldn t pronounce it, seemed, to him, to fit
his personality. OKKKKKKKKK Pan had so may piercings on his face it kinda resembled the birth of an
extension bridge; he picked up his shirt, more piercings and was about to drop his pants,
but I stopped him short, explaining some things, were better left to the imagination. Or nightmares.
He could see I was perplexed, I just told him, "forgive me, but I never woke up and decided that to
express my personal freedom I d go and have a railroad spike driven through my scrotum sac."
He told me the many merits, but i interrupted telling him, "that s all fine, ok, but my genitals are private property
as it were, no way i m sitting down while some balding guy with a long ponytail and a Che t shirt
has at my jewels armed with only a hole puncher, alcohol bottle and butterfly bandage.
Not f---g now, not f--g for eternity."
Pan had to go play the finale, an original composition that
seemed like a mixture of Gregorian Chant, Oriental melodies, forced work songs and cats
with their paws caught in something.
So I sat and relaxed.
As the sun set, the gathering was mostly drunk and/or asleep. Running Deer, as usual, had secured
some 16 phone numbers from various ladies, and Billy Bob, wonder of wonders, had talked 2 girls into
working on his internet site, "old geezers, young teasers", and also secured a date with Mabel Trueberry,
the only 40 year old great-grandmother in these parts. We gathered up everyone's car keys,
firearms, etc.,checked the perimeter, and set to exit.
Jesse, it seems, had smoked some of the roots growing in the cellar and emerged from it stark
naked except for a branch garland, calling himself Baby New Year for all years, screaming he wished
not to rob, but to share, to share his essence, his gifts, his seed, that last statement was the cue to
knock him out and head to the nearest E.R. Quite the experience in Jaxassville.
.
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