A TRIP TO THE VETS

A TRIP TO THE VETS"

(accompanied by my friend Running Deer Alvarez and also the revolting Billy Bob Von Lum)

Marie was upset because Thunder the collie was acting listless and fatigued. Nana said he was constipated from lack of olive oil in his diet.

I figured maybe he just was worn out from killing and eating things, but well, ok, i would take him to the vet. I was playing stickball with the guys; first Billy Bob hit Running Deer in the head with 4 straight pitches, then when he was batting, Billy Bob swung, let go of the bat and hit me in the kneecap, then finally Running Deer hit the tennis ball like a rocket into Billy Bob's mouth,the fuzz from the tennis ball actually coated his teeth, making them more appealing.When we play sports the inept, out of control Billy Bob always hurts either myself or Running Deer, so this time we called a halt to the festivities.

Billy Bob said he had a relative who was a vet;,loaded, um caged in, the hound from Hades, um, Thunder in the animal control van, and set to leave . Nana came out with Puss N Boots, her ancient cat; said he needed a checkup, what he really needed was to find the fountain of youth or 27 more cat lives or maybe a witch with working spells. Nana insisted, actually she coughed, sneezed, sniffed,wretched, and we took the wizened Puss N Bootswith us. Truth is, there are only 3 creatures Thunder would not harm; my wife Marie, Puss N Boots, and Nana (although that s not a definite).

Once as Nana was stirring puree+listening to one of her frigging talking books, Thunder grabbed the wig right off her head and ate it,leaving her in curlers, oblivious as she listened to Norseman sacking a village. That made for an interesting pooper scooper adventure.

So off we went, and I started to worry when we took a dirt road way off the main drag. We came to a clearing, sort of a clearing, fallen trees, moss, small pools of putrid liquids, broken fences, cracked or murdered garden gnomes(some hung, decapitated, burned, covered with honey+ants), and a small stand of creatures in jars or frozen in state;

Welcome to Boggy Creek I thought.

Running Deer got out, looked about, checked his shoes, and a bald really ugly dude came out of the bushes,with a slingshot saying, "we were on private property". The guy's smell permeated the entire area, I was actually wishing PussNBoots would take a dump and refresh the air. Running Deer said if this is the vet let's just shoot Thunder ourselves.

No, according to Billy Bob this was the vet's half sister's son, Rufus; a lad who unfortunately had never advanced out of the tadpole stage.Rufus showed his kills; a chipmunk, a squirrel, a hamster, a sparrow, a cricket, a frigging preying mantis. A man in a white coat came out of A shack, and said he was Dr. Oglethorpe. Rufus kept faking at us with the slingshot, Oglethorpe welcomed us, called Billy Bob cuz, and apologized for Rufus' antics, explaining he hadn t cooked long enough in the womb and that the evolution train had passed him by.. He was a breech birth, they hadda use rope to pull him out.

Rufus laid in the dirt, the doc approached the van, and Thunder went nuts. The whole van shook. When Thunder flecked his muscles the vet didn t have a needle to penetrate him. Hmmmm. Believe it or not, Puss N Boots made an attempt at purring and the strange sound he emitted actually calmed Thunder down, he relaxed, took the sedative, and tried to escape and kill Rufus. While we waited for the drug to work, we went into the shack.. Simply one big room, with a big table, computer, and Dr. Oglethorpe said he could provide creamation for my cat, until i explained Puss N Boots was still alive; then he mistook Puss N Boots for a mechanical cat, checked for batteries, till Running Deer grabbed my cat and put him in his coat, explaining, "let s leave him alone and worry about the collie ok? "

Running Deer ask the doc where he studied, and he answered Upper Mesa Mexico College. Billy Bob interrupted and said it didn t matter though cause his cuz was awarded his degree online. We were about to exit when we heard insane loud yelping, barking, and the doc said he had "12 bitches in heat in the back kennels".

Rufus who had entered, grinned the grin of the damn, drooled and said "I like bitches in heat", till Oglethorpe told him,

"dogs, we are talking about dogs Rufus."

Running Deer and I agreed, this Rufus guy probably had genetic material that included webbed feet and fur, and we re thinking, this dude, "forgetbout it", they shoulda never tied off his bellybutton.

AND IT GOT WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oglethorpe sent me out with some gravy boat looking thing to get a urine sample from Thunder.

He wanted a full panel.

Rufus asked if he could have a full panel as his wee wee felt tickly and sensitive..

Running Deer told him to dunk it into a fondue pot and it would relieve those symptoms.....

I went alone.

Thunder was uncooperative; he circled till I got dizzy, he pissed on my leg, on the ground, i kept trying to place the bowl under him, kick it to the side, push it left, right, make it a target, but he missed always. A poor turtle came over, popped out his head, and received a golder shower, thing is probably 100 years old and gets whizzed on. Tragic.

When I had a small amount, I returned inside and into a conversation between Billy Bob and Oglethorpe. it seemed Rufus was named after his daddy, but his daddy's name was really Sparky and unfortunately he' d been simply borrowing Rufus Sr's overalls when he did the deed; in the back of a rental truck. Young Rufus still had post tramatic flashbacks whenever he heard grinding gears.

Sparky, Rufus' s real dad fathered 12kids. Wow that dude was so virile he could fertilize a plastic egg. Why stop at 12?

Oglethorpe explained Rufus was 12th, and as he was no prize, everybody figured the next one might pop out with feelers or gills or a blowhole, so, end it. Rufus had a job retrieving balls at the driving range, i figured he drove in a little armored car, or at least wore protection, but Billy Bob, ever the realist asked, "Where on him could they do any more damage?" . He told how after taking a golf ball to the earhole, Rufus could sing Prince's Greatest hits and recite the Gettysburg Address. Maybe, just maybe if he took one in the temple, he could name the next day's winning lottery numbers.

I shook my head and showed the doc my meager catch; he explained, he needed more, and that I needed to help Thunder, I needed to position his member for him; I said "hey doc, he s my dog, I like him, but I ain't doing that, you can feel free to steer it, aim it, frigging crank it for all I care, but I ain't". He offered me rubber gloves. I told him "you ve probably done this before, I don t care if you wear gloves, long press on nails, a catcher's mitt, or a frigging hawk glove, have at it, cause I like thunder but I ain t grabbing him by his Old Man. Capisce! Get it?". The doc was explaining how he went online seeking medical answers, till Running Deer said "that site is lesbians in bondage!!". Oglethorpe responded. "and they don t deserve the finest in medical help? You got your rope burns, chain marks, whip bruises, assorted things being tugged and twisted; Running Deer and I walked away, digusted with the freak,

Billy Bob of course looked and said his new photography series "old geezers, young teasers" could fit in perfectly there.

The doc went into the bathroom and screamed at the top of his lungs "this floor is soaking wet, soaking,Rufus, Rufus, Ru-Fus I ve told you to close the lid after you take a drink. Now I was ready to exit, but Running Deer asked,

why must the lid be down, to which Oglethorpe explained, "well,I prefer to remain seated during all bathroom visits."

Now we both ran. Right into a smirking Rufus; he held a picture, i knew the picture, I checked my wallet, it was gone, he showed it to me, he said "Pretty lady", as he held Marie's Picture; I went for him. Oglethorpe tried to stop me, Running Deer told him gently, "when the scarf s wife is involved, you have 2 options, get out of the way, or get to a phone and make sure your burial plot is ready. Rufus dropped the wallet, said to me,I'll hurt you", then i kicked his legs out, he fell on the floor, i grab my valuables, took the gun out of my pants and put it in his mouth.

Time stood still..

I told him, the next sound you hear will be your bowels as they seize, loosen and evacuate. From the side came an unearthly bodily sound that had it occurred in the lake would have cause a fishkill of historic proportions. Amazingly, it came out of Billy Bob, who said he was very stressed out, was in shock, and plus had eaten an entire tin of Pringles Cajun Chips. As Rufus ran off, I showed Billy the water gun; i only brought it to wake up Puss n boots or calm down Thunder. Although water, actually any form of hygiene would probably upset Rufus, who smelled like a concoction of rotted teeth, rotten eggs, a slaughter house, and certain types of hair dye.

More intense noise, Oglethorpe yelled, "it s rufus, he s released the hounds". The hordes of dogs raced thru the building, outside and into the van..Where for the next 3 hours, amidst great shaking and rattling, Thunder serviced all of them. Oglethorpe asked me if Thunder had eaten pork and i had to confess he ate a whole pig; the pig got out, wandered by the dog house, all i found was a hoof, a piece of snout, and some tail. Oglethorpe forbade Thunder to ever eat pork again, gave me some pills, and charged me $1300.

That included expert analysis, the pork discovery, and Thunder's female companionship.

Plus Oglethorpe doesnt drive so he needed a new mountain bike and radio flyer wagon to pull Rufus in. So all was settled. I grabbed Puss N Boots out of a Rufus Jar (where the cat napped next to a long dead frog), watched Thunder fall over into a fatigue sleep, and we set to leave. Billy Bob was on the phone; he told me "I was in trouble for pulling the gun on Rufus and he had his uncle, the politician or judge, on thphone". The trust I have in politicians and judges is the same trust I have in letting a baboon pilot a blimp, so I was antsy.

I, the Scarf cannot draw attention to myself, or get arrested, etc. but Billy Bob, rat that he is, had asolution; I had to be his deputy on hard jobs, follow his orders, and I would be paid cash. Shit..............Running Deerand I seriously considered putting him and his entire clan in the Rufus jars, but, cooler heads prevailed.

I said okay only if Running Deer could be one also; Billy Bob agreed, so we were sworn in over the phone,and our badges would be arriving shortly.

We started the van, suddenly Rufus came out of the bushes and was slingshoting at us, till he fell into a sinkhole;Oglethorpe arrived, looked down into the hole, said, "This is kinda like Rufus' Timeout period, he 's fine, sorta likehe's back in the womb". I told Running Deer to floor the van, but Oglethorpe exclaimed, "I got an new DVD, "Strip Van Winkle", yum yum, nude bowling, nude sleeping, nude everything, very intense." Billy Bob hoppedfrom the van, told us to leave and yelled to Oglethorpe, "and as a backup we can re-visit the always popular"Vulva Vixens from Venus". Running Deer and I exited the frigging menagerie just as Rufus, the de-evolving hatchling exploded forth from the hole and off to Movie Night with Billy Bob+Familia. Chow freakos.