Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
"THE TIME GAMBERONY DELIVERED MRS. RIBNICKI'S 17TH CHILD"
Annette and Hans Ribnicki had 16 kids; they ranged in age from 31 years to
31 months. Mr. Ribnicki had lost his legs attempting to hop a train in his youth,
but it certainly didn t effect his middle leg. And the missus, her eggs were
sperm magnets, she was as fertile as the richest soil on the planet. When the
poor woman wasn t pregnant, she was drunk. One St. Patricks's Day, she was
wasted and in her thick Irish brogue, called me "a little olive skinned street urchin".
I was like 9. And she started throwing stuff, candies, lipstick etc. at me. I just
bobbed and weaved, made like a duck in a shooting gallery, and finally in her
drunken fury she leaned back and fired her pocketbook at me. I caught it on the fly
like a wide receiver and continued on my way with my new found treasure. My insane dad
made me give it back. I told him I got it fair and square, but he said, in his thick
although phony Italian accent, "she's a biga painina thee assa but she s a neighbor, besides,
her hus a band is a peg a leg, they got enough problems." I returned it, asked for a
reward, and she chased me for 8 blocks. WHEW.....
Then, when I was 18 and dressed up for a big holiday dinner, I heard a cry for help, found Mrs.
Ribnicki on the ground, and had to deliver her baby. Her 17th. The experience was like
a combination car wreck, parachuting accident, root canal, quicksand mishap, and
Iranian prison, all wrapped up in one neat package.
She was behind our apartments in New York, I think she was poisoning rats or looking for
one of her many cats or dogs or chiildren, when she went into labor. I knelt beside her,
I asked if she needed help. She answered in her thick Irish brogue, "Slim, you re all we got,
are ye sterilized?" I told her "Mrs. Ribnicki, I'm obsessive-compulsive, I washed my hands about
300 times today." She told me that was probably 300 times more than her kids who worked in their
family bakery/tv repair shop , and then said, "Well Slim, have at it."
I knew what needed to be done, there had been a film in high school about giving birth, i remember
many of the big macho guys threw up while watching it, but at this moment I was glad I had gone
back for the second showing, the matinee. I rolled up my sleeves and began.
Somewhere between the first and 11th grunt, Mr. Ribnicki and my father showed up.
Not good at all.
Mr. Ribnicki and I had some history between us; he'd ask you to help him across the wide avenue,
and as he had wooden legs, ok, you d give it a shot. But he d bitch the whole time, yelling,you were going too fast, too slow, you walked over the manhole covers, you turned too quick, you turned to sharp,he d whack you with his cane, curse you, start to walk in the opposite direction, I mean come on, be a little appreciative.
One time i helped him into a public toilet and propped him up against the urinal, and he screamed and cursed at me so much, I said fuck it, stuffed a mop handle against his ass to prop him up, left him standing there, walked out and put the OUT OF ORDER sign on the toilet door. I think he got out of there the next day.
But on this particular day my dad RAG spoke up; at the baby delivery scene
My dad RAG asked, "Markie, what you doing?"
ME-"I' m delivering her baby
DAD-"That's the best you can come up with? Kinda weak
ME-"Dad shut up
DAD-"This is your future, as a midwife or maybe a wet nurse?
ME-Dad I don t need your remarks, and, where are all the cops and FBI that are usually tailing you?
DAD-They re busy, the 7/11 just went half price on all muffins, donuts and buns.
MR. RIBNICKI-Young Gamberony, would you take your hands off of, um, er, out of, my wife
HE POINTED AT ME WITH HIS CANE
ME-Mr.Ribnicki will you get that fucking cane outta my face; there;s dog shit on the bottom of it; fucking gum mixed with hair and stuff.
MRS. RIBNICKI-Hans you idiot he's trying to help
MR. RIBNICKI-Did your water break?
DAD-Absolutely, I think i saw a small stream down the block; hmmmmmm, but seriously Marc Anthony, you re the expert, you are positive she's calfing?
ME-Dad don t make me get up and kill you. I don t want to, but you re aggravating the shit outta me, ouch,ouch
As I started to move my arm, it was seemingly pulled back into place by inseen forces.
DAD-Oh boy, you ll never throw a curveball again.
MR.RIBNICKI-Hyper-extended elbow to be sure
ME-Will someone call the cops?
DAD-I need to stay here laddie, you see, this here lady has had a ton of kids, you may just disappear, likea James Stewart in Vertigo, you fall into the vortex of nothingness.
MRS. RIBNICKI-I resent that you insane miserable bastard
MR. RIBNICKI-Now dear
MRS. RIBNICKI- Don t dear me, you got me into this, your legs aren t the only thing that s always wooden.
MR.RIBNICKI-I don t like to brag
MRS. RIBNICKI-You lying bastard, do you know boys, do you know what they called him in the old country, Hans with the Swantz.
ME-My wrist is numb.
MRS. RIBNICKI-Hans,I begged you to get a new pastime
DAD-CB radio; Hans with the Swantz over
MRS. RIBNICKI-Gamberony will ye SHUDDDDUPPPPPPPPPPPP"
MR. RIBNICKI-I thought our love life was special?
MRS. RIBNICKI-That s why I always ask you, is it over? Are we done?
ME-I have to sneeze
MRS. RIBNICKI-Don't ye dare; you'll rattle me insides into mush.
DAD-Change the subject. Oh i think i hear a siren
MR. RIBNICKI-Should I hold his nose? It s huge actually
DAD-That s not very nice, why don t you just say when he inhales he lowers the pollen count?
MR. RIBNICKI-I have a problem with my nose too, I have a deviant septum
DAD-Fine. Stay away from my son s nose and keep yours way away from me
MRS. RIBNICKI- Do you see Mark Anthony why i must drink heavily sometimes?
ME-I m gonna sneeze Mrs. R., I m sorry
DAD-Hey everybody, listen up, I ma watching tv and the guy says in a relaxed, calming voice "Baboons have overtaken a town in South America, and, well, at times, it can be, well, unsettling.......I m a watching these creatures are eating the food, drinking the water, 2 little kids are on a seea saw, and 2 baboons are screwing like theyre trying to savea their species. Thena I thought it switched over to a fishing show, Im a look and I say, oh someone is using a fiberglass rod and they hooked a real big one. Look at the bend in thata sucker The camera pans back and it s the head baboon with hisa gigantic pen---is standing there.
Everytime he gets distracted, it deflates then in 2 seconds, boom, like a they just cut the rope on the obelisk BARANG GOING up it a goes again. He s standing there with his hands on his hips, looking left and right, grunting,
LIKE WHO THE FUCK HE THINK HE IS. YOU SONNAMABITCHIf I was there, shit, i getta my pistol I empty it in hisa noodle, he grunta, his big tee tee shrinks,he falls to earth witha his big red ass in the air.
ME-You are a fucking psycho pops.
But suddenly, the Ribnickis begin to laugh; they laugh so hard that the old man falls off one of his legs, and the old lady is cackling; I feel the baby, before i can speak, its down the chute and in my arms.
DAD-Shit he was speed racer at the end
Suddenly emergency workers and police surround us.
The emergency workers grabbed me, I shook them off telling them I didn t need a torniquet or any pressure applied.
My dad pulled me away, but said, "You look like Sonny Corleone when they got him at the toll booth. Um, hey can we open a fire hydrant for this poor ragamuffin, I don t want the familia to see him like this?
The Ribnickis welcomed their new son to the world. The workers fixed everything up and all would be well.
After the city water washed me off, I got ready to go upstairs and change, but I had to say one last thing to the cops and firemen.
ME-Hate to bother you guys, but later, not now, later, would you tell Mrs. Ribnicki, um, if she finds a cuff link with the letter G or an allergy bracelet, I d like them back.
As we walked home, my insane dad sang
"I saw mommy kissing oooooooooooooooooo,
underneath the mistoltoe last night
he didn t know that i could
as he copped a feel for
I d like to kick his jolly ass straight back up the
And i saw mommmy kissing ooooooooooooo SINTA KLAUS
ME-Dad.......You re Sinta Klaus. You put out the gifts.
DAD-That s right I am; hmmmmmmm I need to get the sleigh ready, gotta get the
pigeons, Donner, Blitzer, Rudolph, get ready, I hadda my suit pressed special too.
We went upstairs, mom made him an expresso, slipped 4 pills in it, and he slept the night away.
ME? In all the years since, Annette Ribnicki always smiles at me. In a fucking scary way.
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Thursday, August 14, 2008
9:05:32 PM EDT Feeling Anxious
MY FRIEND SERGE
My friend Serge got in touch with me; he is in Witness Protection also.
I could never be anything but small potatoes in the Mafia, because I was half Calabrese
Well, Serge could only be small potatoes in the Russian Mfiacause he was half Georgian.
He was, like me, in the finance end of the mob, but they wanted to kill him over a woman.
He was innocent.
He never cared about her.
He told me she was huge;almost like the female offspring of Wonder Woman and a Yehti. Little Miss Bigfoot.
He wrote to me in the first person.
She was six foot eight and carried enough weight or stone to construct 6 playgrounds...
Huge breasts, Hu---ge, and she always wore ultra tight tops, freakin boobs didn t peek out so much as Unleash Themselves on the population. She could crack brazil nuts in her cleavage; her breasts were tattoed with large birds, their bloody prey still in their talons, whew, Serge figured if she ever breast fed they would serve as education/entertainment/garnish for the kid. Of course to breast feed she d need to remove her hula hoop sized nipple rings,which could turn the entire area into a lactic birdbath and call for plastic protective clothing.
And to be honest, the last time he saw an ass like hers it was using it s tail to swish away flies at the water hole.
Mega-Chick; and despite the fact that her legs had that oatmeal/cottage cheese look to them, they were potent, I think she could rip the top off a fire hydrant or a parking meter with her inner thighs. And she was all Face, all face. I figured she was the model for frigging easter island. And very equine, I kept looking for her bridle.Her face was like a life-sized chess piece; rook to frigging knight or something. This girl couldn t bob for apples, this girl bobbed for pumpkins or pineapples.
She was the mistress of the boss, so she had full run of the mansion, She got me in trouble cause I couldn t get fix the thing that made the toilet paper dispenser smell like lemon; I thought.what s the difference? if it worked. the aroma wudda been what, Shit-rus???
I had to accompany her to Brighton Beach, and when she hit the ocean, I was nervous, figuring she may swamp rowboats or grab an entire lobster pot in her mouth or tear ass and cause afishkill of historic proportions. But to be honest it was her shallow, petty attitude that drove me nuts; she d run to the boss if i didn t get skim milk,come on, this from a women who in the old country drank milk that looked like tartar sauce. This was a woman who had pms 165 days a year, plus pre-pms the other 200. And she lied, said she was lead dancer in the Bolshoi Ballet, really?Didn t they have HGH testing? No hey I woulda paid money to see the prima ballerina lifted up by a block and tackle, grease the rope, wow, that really wudda been The Nutcracker.
So, she hated me, I loathed her, but again, I answered to the boss so Itry to help her out, so one day I say, "Eh-katherina, no not Hey Katherina, one word, Ehkaterina, that was her name;
I say, Ehkatherina, when you don t wear panties and you bend way over, I can see your Pooh Bear. And Pooh s got thatpeculiar grin on his face". So Viktor, the boss, walks in, asks what is a pooh bear. I explain I call that part of a woman her pooh bear because it s a HoneyPot. He s angry, he accuses me of digging Ehkaterina, says I should not be staring at her honey pot, and now I'm mad and says it s like high definition tv right in my face, besides her s is probably more of a Pandora's box than a honeypot. I told him he expected baby crocodiles or mustard gas to come outta there.....I backed him always, and he turned on me, soooooo, i told him, maybe she could walk away from the table a little hungry once, and also asked him, when she gets affectionate and lays on top of you, doesn t she cut your breathing off?
Viktor, who for some reason was naked, I think he was in the sauna pissing his name on hot rocks, pulled a gun on me. From where it came, who could not tell, the counter? the floor? His blemished ass? Who can say!!!!!!!!!
He said I wanted Ehkatherina; i told him where she was concerned there wasn t enough viagra in the universe to unboil my linguine. Viktor points the gun. I reasoned with him; "Viktor you and I were children together, remember, in the old days,you d rat out my dissident cousins, i d rat out yours. Remember May Day; the soviet union would parade their expensive missles, bombs, military might through the streets while you and I shared one frigging ritz cracker. No cheese. No dip. Remember we pickpocketed 100 people that day, what did we come up with; 8 rubles,3 american dollars a Lenin sock puppet, a radio free europe membership card, and a czechloslovakian condom that wrapped on python like assuring thet one's dick would resemble a skin tag after the deed was done. Remember it said one size fits all.
When the KGB brought you in for your criminal activites, who kept the wood in your mouth when they electric shocked you into neon sign status. Me.
Viktor was not going to let me go. I said "I know where all the bodies were buried by you, Igor, and Anatoly, oh please don t call yourselves the Brothers Karimazoff, i know it s your name, a very literary name, see if that holds any pull in the big house when you're somebody's cigarette bitch. Mybe you can read the classics with some lifer who s been pumping iron for 20 years. Tell him you re Viktor Hugo, and he'll tell you, Viktor, Hu-go and get me an extra dessert or I ll pound your sorry ass into mulch. I know, may you can prepare them your famous Shake+Borsch.. Truth is Viktor, and this comes from your friend Serge,You made a crime fortune, but you're still a peasant with the I.Q. of a sun dried monkey feces..
Serge, me, I brought you to america, because of me you enjoyed vitamins whose expiration dates weren t in the 1980's, you eat meat that hasn t been hit by a trolleycar, lazer beam or experimental germ bomb, and most importantly, I taught you to keep your temper, right, you stopped trying to kill people who s ancestors raided your village 400 years ago, remember what i told you, let it go, the mule they stole is long dead by now, let it f---------g go.
I made a mistake and you just made a huge one, I m gonna sing like Barry Manilow, and you re going down. and, wait, one thing, by the way, ok, stop walking around naked, truly have you looked down at your balls lately, I don t know if a de-veining would help, i think they do that, but man with their thickness, discoloration and density they re starting to resemble Fabrege eggs.
I was given a final glass of vodka, which i threw in Viktor's face and sprinted away to my car. I could hear in stereo, Ehkaterina behind me, cursing, threatening, I felt the marble floors loosening, I knew how Jack felt as he headed to the beanstalk, "FE FI FO FUCK". I got in my car, started off, Ehkaterina grabbed the back of it, I floored it, and sped off, losing only my spoiler and a piece of muffler.
I escaped. I went into witness protection
The Brothers Karamazov went to prison; Boris in America (ouch), Anatoly in Mexico (double ouch), Igor in Turkey (ultimate ouch).
Ehkaterina married a cossack, re-located to the Ural Mountains, and produces soft core porn movies based on fairy tale, historical or soviet themes; they're distributed worldwide on DVD, or online. Titles include the sexy witchcraft tale "Wicca Tickle You", um, "Raspu-teen", "Napoleon Boner-Dart", "War and Peace of Ass",all fairly self-explanatory, and the bondage fantasy ,
"Strap-unzel", there s more than just frigging hair coming outta that tower.
Russian Prime Minister Putin was a big lover of the last 2 flicks, but his all time favorite was "I-2-3 KGB", about Russian fornicating their geographic neighbors.
Serge will contact me again soon.
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8:36:32 PM EDT Feeling Rebellious
Morris the Cat in a Retired Actors Home
Morris the cat, in a retired actors home
I Intercepted this from an Underground Audio Newspaper. The reporter swears it s all true,
although I myself never knew animals could talk........
Watching Morris the Cat using a walker was shock enough, but when he spoke, it got scary, he said,
"My owner, that guy, he's sitting on a beach sucking down a cocktail with a little umbrella in it, And i m here, me, i m the one who ate that canned shit for 20 years, this is my reward. Ain t exactly Nirvana ok? My golden years, yea, real golden when one of the residents pisses in place, very appealing.
He had me fixed, took my gonads, I mean c mon, other animals notice that, so he says, Mr. Financial Wizard, Mr. I CAN FIX Anything, he will have the vet put ball bearings inside so it appears I'm all intact, all man. Ball Bearings? I'll look atrophied, like I took steroids, how about ping pong balls, give them a nice hard youthful look.
Here Take a look, Mr.Reporter, furry, strong, give em a tug, give a strong tug, look at them, no shyness in this place, once in a while i pull one out and we have a game.
My walker? My knees are ruined. After 50 takes a day eating that food, my ass blew up like a beer keg. Or storage unit. Plus I'm diabetic.
Time for my shot, boy, that don t go easy here either, frigging nurse rams it in like she's trying hit oil or spear a giant squid.
Yikes, there s that old mouse from the film, "The Green Mile", he's like 200 years old or something, always talking about the roaring 20's, Al Capone, the depression, blimp travel, he scares the IAM S outta me".
Yep, that s Lassie over there, she s doing poorly,she s got eye problems, she ain t dragging Timmy out of no raging river, she can t see the frigging river. She s led around by Rin Tin Tin, talk about the hind leading the hind, hind leading the hind, yes, Rin TinTin has colon problems, he is forever having his anal glands evacuated, that s gotta be fun huh, man run for cover, get a drop cloth, hand out plastic shields.
Dude stop dragging your ass on the concrete.
Eat some fiber or something.
I went to see Mr ED, his mind is gone, he keeps calling me Wilbur, Wilbur, or brother, brother.
I'm like "Mr. Ed, I'm not Wilbur, whoa, stop mooing, stop it, you are not a cow, you re not the
laughing cow, stop, you re not a cow, no no no, i m not gonna milk you, are you crazy or what,
for goodness sake ED, you re hung like a horse, OF COURSE".
We got the former star act killer whale here in the home; they retired him from Sea World
cause as he aged when he exerted himself he farted and the audience was overwhelmed with digust.Tell you the truth, if he wudda ripped one off as he went through the rings of fire,
MY MY NOW THAT WUDDA BEEN A SPECTACULAR.........
We have a pig that did some film work; poor guy, I think he had swine flu that developed intodementia, he actually put his foot into an electric socket. They hadda remove it; i was like whoa don t just toss it, pork roll, BLT'S on rye. NO?
We have a russian bear here that actually wrestled Castro. He was told he hadda lose or he d be in Siberia. He said Castro antagonized him with foul cigar smoke and with a shaggy beard that smelled of rat droppings. He said Castro was like 75 and still wearing fatigues like he was in the field, what a farce,while his country starved, he watch baseball on a satellite dish, ate multi-flavored frozen yogurt, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
Stress ruined our bear friend. He simply takes a dump without knowing it. How does he deal with it? Depends. It's true. Either he wears a depends diaper or goes bareback and shits in the rec room right in the middle of 4 corners bingo.
We have the snake from that movie, the big snake, he 's bi-polar; one day he rubs against all the other residents, the next he eats the file clerk. They threw his ass in assisted living; actually Hank's Reptile World in New Jersey, I'm sure that glass case must be fun. Slithering there, stinking up a storm, while kids stare,knuckle the glass. Eat that big fella.
The tv chihuahua is here, basically he spends all day humping his squeeze toy and talking to it.I heard him in his Spanish accent, "you like this, you like it, you want more, of course, oh hello Morris,look, see my woman, I please her, I do the twisty, the corkscrew, the wheelbarrel", we go all night. I told him "yo marimba maniac , it s a squeeze toy, of course it s always pleased.", He said "watch, I gonna musto gusto my senorita and hang from the chandellier."
Which I took as my cue to leave.
Tonight the senior citizens are coming by to see us;
If one more of them old bastards pulls my whiskers, tries to wind my tail, or press the wetness outta my nose, I'm gonna switch all their pills, watch thrm drop like flies as we play musical chairs.
You will notice I have a bad front paw; I lie sometimes to female cats and tell them it happened when I beat up the Taliban or stole the North.Koreans nuclear plans or when I led an assault on a pet shop,but truthfully, I was digging in my backyard years ago and cut it on metal. Whatever nutty bastard lived there before us, buried his hamster,cage and all. What a jackass. I not only ripped my paw, but the sight of that decaying hamser and cage lives in my nightmares forever
(If you see me sleeping and my legs are moving fast, shit, I'm having that same ongoing dream of the dead, rotted, flesh melting, grinning hamster, spinning his wheel, propelling his cage, chasing me, his water tube dripping blood and his cedar chips firing off like small, urine-laced missles).
I hate Hamsters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TALK TO YOU SOON, MORRIS
I Got an emergency call from Billy Bob, he needed me and Running Deer to help provide
security at his cousin Calamity Jane's wedding to Bradley "Jimbo" Wheatley; OH GREAT.
I had seen them both around; Jane was some type of hillbilly cowgirl and Bradley
resembled a leprechaun in training; should be on a box of Lucky Charms. Gre------attttttt.
We got to Calamity's folks house, and all was set. Lotta space, multi-colored grass,
nice double wide trailor; there were many guests, tables and chairs, a buffet catered by Possum
Pete's Emporium, lotsa decorations, and a preacher who was dressed as if he d just left
the Magical Mystery Tour.. OKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Jane and Bradley were a blushing virgin couple,this despite they fact they d had about
12 previous marriages between them (not sure if half-siblings count). So, the festivities started,
and immediately Running Deer and I noticed 2 things; we were the only ones not packing firearms,
and because of that fact,we needed to give some friendly, efficient advice,
so no casulties were incurred during the reception.
I spoke to Calamity's folks, telling them...
A sign stating, "Cross this threshold and I ll blow off your face" is
Not as appropriate as a Welcome Mat.
Liquor and heavy machinery don t mix; leave the Stump till after the reception.
When a wedding is held in your Backyard you must tell the guests 3 things
Where the sink holes are......... Where you keep the dogs ................. Where Uncle Rufus is buried…
People’s names go on the place cards, Peter, Susan, John, or Mary; the
Place cards should not read, SIT HERE, you Lazy Bastard, you Heartbreaking Tramp...
Mr. Softie or Slut On Board.
Never ask your guests to Fondue something that is Still Alive
Showing your other daughter's honeymoon video is a no-no, even if it
Is the one where the Bellboy joins in.
So the vows were exchanged, something about never exchanging gun fire over bowling scores,
sharing the deer's heart equally, and the feast began. Speaking of which, I thought the
choices of reception entrees were chicken or fish, not something that was bled out that afternoon.
To fix that possible problem, Running Deer had brought a pocket full of loose change,
so that everyone could enjoy a full 6 course meal at the Trailer Park's Vending Machines.
Running Deer and I advised several guests ..
Listen friend; At the salad bar, if you bite a hunk of cheese and disapprove of it, that's fine,
But leave… it….. On Your Plate.
They have Tongs available for a reason.
When the waiter asks you to pick a crayfish, he means Point to it, not Dive In the tank
Leave your Pet Snake at home, watching him eat a Mouse doesn’t t enhance
Anyone’s appetite, least of all the Mouse's.
Your sleeve may work just fine, but use the Napkin.
Billy Bob was no help; once in a fancy restaurant, he threw coins in the Bidet
and made a wish. Jackass.
Suddenly a man drove up in an old banged up truck; Billy Bob explained this
was Jesse, um, well, just outta jail. Oh-Oh..........I went to him, smiled, told
him simply, "Jesse,you don t catch the garter, you don t try to catch the garter,
actually when they throw the garter, I want you under a table". Jesse was
scared, he d used expired coupons at the store and thought maybe that
violated his parole. He had food on his mouth, he said he had been hungry
in the store. We figured he d had a peanut or some grapes, turns out this
bastard ate a can of pork+beans. He also asked if Summers Eve was a
new salad dressing. Jesse was a problem. His hands were covered with
chilblains, and he explained that was cause he worked in the prison laundry;
hmmmmmmm why not wear gloves, I mean, there must have been some
very unidentifiable and downright disgusting shit on them prisoner's clothes.
Seems Jesse was boycotting gloves, since he d worn them during his
robbery and got caught anyways. But he was a new man, in the store,
some dude was in the express lane with 16 items, and the old Jess wudda
gagged the guy and tied him to the roof of the truck. Jess joined the
The band played on; they were a combination of, I Think, rock, country,techno,
shmucko, disco, classical, metal, punk, they gave off the sound of tortured creatures in hell.
The group, The Wheatcracker Specials, played a tribute song to Jane,
titled "The Ballad of Boot Hill------billy" and then, amazingly played "Danny Boy"
for the groom via banjo, spoons, and knuckle cracks. Not exactly the Irish
Tenors, but hey!!!!!!
I was just glad the bridesmaids decided to make seperate trips to the dance floor;
since they actually buckled the patio during "Thriller". When they hit the pond in tandem
i was waiting for the tsunami warning siren to go off.
We were warned of gate-crashing lodge brothers; these were easily spotted
as they were the only ones kissing the bride open-mouthed while lifting up her gown.
Running Deer and I agreed on the food and gifts; first of all sparrows don t taste
just like chicken, secondly Don t register the bride with Critter Stuff;
we doubt a Bison tongue will serve any purpose in the Boudoir.
We were taken out back to see their summer place, and it was encouraging to see
that the rope up to the tree house was new and strong.
Suddenly the bride threw her bouquet, Jess yelled "pull" and skeet shot it;
we grabbed him and locked him in the root cellar.
Billy Bob was seeking out a condom machine, till we explained that it means more
if you actually have a date. Billy had noticed an unexpected guest, his niece/former fiancee,
Tulip, she was a Shooter's Girl, no not a Hooter's Girl, a Shooter's girl, and along with
ending global warming, fixing the econony , saving the insects, and looking good in postage stamp
sized bikini, she also had just been upgraded to the second shift at Dairy Queen. Quite the catch;
But................she was dating Pan, yes, Pan, lead singer of the Wheatcracker Specials.
As the booze had flowed, we got them apart and I was alone with Pan.
Pan's real name was Stumpy, he called himself Pan, not over the creature in Greek mythology,
but after the word pan--ache, which though he couldn t pronounce it, seemed, to him, to fit
his personality. OKKKKKKKKK Pan had so may piercings on his face it kinda resembled the birth of an
extension bridge; he picked up his shirt, more piercings and was about to drop his pants,
but I stopped him short, explaining some things, were better left to the imagination. Or nightmares.
He could see I was perplexed, I just told him, "forgive me, but I never woke up and decided that to
express my personal freedom I d go and have a railroad spike driven through my scrotum sac."
He told me the many merits, but i interrupted telling him, "that s all fine, ok, but my genitals are private property
as it were, no way i m sitting down while some balding guy with a long ponytail and a Che t shirt
has at my jewels armed with only a hole puncher, alcohol bottle and butterfly bandage.
Not f---g now, not f--g for eternity."
Pan had to go play the finale, an original composition that
seemed like a mixture of Gregorian Chant, Oriental melodies, forced work songs and cats
with their paws caught in something.
So I sat and relaxed.
As the sun set, the gathering was mostly drunk and/or asleep. Running Deer, as usual, had secured
some 16 phone numbers from various ladies, and Billy Bob, wonder of wonders, had talked 2 girls into
working on his internet site, "old geezers, young teasers", and also secured a date with Mabel Trueberry,
the only 40 year old great-grandmother in these parts. We gathered up everyone's car keys,
firearms, etc.,checked the perimeter, and set to exit.
Jesse, it seems, had smoked some of the roots growing in the cellar and emerged from it stark
naked except for a branch garland, calling himself Baby New Year for all years, screaming he wished
not to rob, but to share, to share his essence, his gifts, his seed, that last statement was the cue to
knock him out and head to the nearest E.R. Quite the experience in Jaxassville.
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Thursday, August 7, 2008
6:20:05 PM EDT Feeling Adventurous Edit Entry Delete Entry
A TRIP TO THE VETS
A TRIP TO THE VETS"
(accompanied by my friend Running Deer Alvarez and also the revolting Billy Bob Von Lum)
Marie was upset because Thunder the collie was acting listless and fatigued. Nana said he was constipated from lack of olive oil in his diet.
I figured maybe he just was worn out from killing and eating things, but well, ok, i would take him to the vet. I was playing stickball with the guys; first Billy Bob hit Running Deer in the head with 4 straight pitches, then when he was batting, Billy Bob swung, let go of the bat and hit me in the kneecap, then finally Running Deer hit the tennis ball like a rocket into Billy Bob's mouth,the fuzz from the tennis ball actually coated his teeth, making them more appealing.When we play sports the inept, out of control Billy Bob always hurts either myself or Running Deer, so this time we called a halt to the festivities.
Billy Bob said he had a relative who was a vet;,loaded, um caged in, the hound from Hades, um, Thunder in the animal control van, and set to leave . Nana came out with Puss N Boots, her ancient cat; said he needed a checkup, what he really needed was to find the fountain of youth or 27 more cat lives or maybe a witch with working spells. Nana insisted, actually she coughed, sneezed, sniffed,wretched, and we took the wizened Puss N Bootswith us. Truth is, there are only 3 creatures Thunder would not harm; my wife Marie, Puss N Boots, and Nana (although that s not a definite).
Once as Nana was stirring puree+listening to one of her frigging talking books, Thunder grabbed the wig right off her head and ate it,leaving her in curlers, oblivious as she listened to Norseman sacking a village. That made for an interesting pooper scooper adventure.
So off we went, and I started to worry when we took a dirt road way off the main drag. We came to a clearing, sort of a clearing, fallen trees, moss, small pools of putrid liquids, broken fences, cracked or murdered garden gnomes(some hung, decapitated, burned, covered with honey+ants), and a small stand of creatures in jars or frozen in state;
Welcome to Boggy Creek I thought.
Running Deer got out, looked about, checked his shoes, and a bald really ugly dude came out of the bushes,with a slingshot saying, "we were on private property". The guy's smell permeated the entire area, I was actually wishing PussNBoots would take a dump and refresh the air. Running Deer said if this is the vet let's just shoot Thunder ourselves.
No, according to Billy Bob this was the vet's half sister's son, Rufus; a lad who unfortunately had never advanced out of the tadpole stage.Rufus showed his kills; a chipmunk, a squirrel, a hamster, a sparrow, a cricket, a frigging preying mantis. A man in a white coat came out of A shack, and said he was Dr. Oglethorpe. Rufus kept faking at us with the slingshot, Oglethorpe welcomed us, called Billy Bob cuz, and apologized for Rufus' antics, explaining he hadn t cooked long enough in the womb and that the evolution train had passed him by.. He was a breech birth, they hadda use rope to pull him out.
Rufus laid in the dirt, the doc approached the van, and Thunder went nuts. The whole van shook. When Thunder flecked his muscles the vet didn t have a needle to penetrate him. Hmmmm. Believe it or not, Puss N Boots made an attempt at purring and the strange sound he emitted actually calmed Thunder down, he relaxed, took the sedative, and tried to escape and kill Rufus. While we waited for the drug to work, we went into the shack.. Simply one big room, with a big table, computer, and Dr. Oglethorpe said he could provide creamation for my cat, until i explained Puss N Boots was still alive; then he mistook Puss N Boots for a mechanical cat, checked for batteries, till Running Deer grabbed my cat and put him in his coat, explaining, "let s leave him alone and worry about the collie ok? "
Running Deer ask the doc where he studied, and he answered Upper Mesa Mexico College. Billy Bob interrupted and said it didn t matter though cause his cuz was awarded his degree online. We were about to exit when we heard insane loud yelping, barking, and the doc said he had "12 bitches in heat in the back kennels".
Rufus who had entered, grinned the grin of the damn, drooled and said "I like bitches in heat", till Oglethorpe told him,
"dogs, we are talking about dogs Rufus."
Running Deer and I agreed, this Rufus guy probably had genetic material that included webbed feet and fur, and we re thinking, this dude, "forgetbout it", they shoulda never tied off his bellybutton.
AND IT GOT WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oglethorpe sent me out with some gravy boat looking thing to get a urine sample from Thunder.
He wanted a full panel.
Rufus asked if he could have a full panel as his wee wee felt tickly and sensitive..
Running Deer told him to dunk it into a fondue pot and it would relieve those symptoms.....
I went alone.
Thunder was uncooperative; he circled till I got dizzy, he pissed on my leg, on the ground, i kept trying to place the bowl under him, kick it to the side, push it left, right, make it a target, but he missed always. A poor turtle came over, popped out his head, and received a golder shower, thing is probably 100 years old and gets whizzed on. Tragic.
When I had a small amount, I returned inside and into a conversation between Billy Bob and Oglethorpe. it seemed Rufus was named after his daddy, but his daddy's name was really Sparky and unfortunately he' d been simply borrowing Rufus Sr's overalls when he did the deed; in the back of a rental truck. Young Rufus still had post tramatic flashbacks whenever he heard grinding gears.
Sparky, Rufus' s real dad fathered 12kids. Wow that dude was so virile he could fertilize a plastic egg. Why stop at 12?
Oglethorpe explained Rufus was 12th, and as he was no prize, everybody figured the next one might pop out with feelers or gills or a blowhole, so, end it. Rufus had a job retrieving balls at the driving range, i figured he drove in a little armored car, or at least wore protection, but Billy Bob, ever the realist asked, "Where on him could they do any more damage?" . He told how after taking a golf ball to the earhole, Rufus could sing Prince's Greatest hits and recite the Gettysburg Address. Maybe, just maybe if he took one in the temple, he could name the next day's winning lottery numbers.
I shook my head and showed the doc my meager catch; he explained, he needed more, and that I needed to help Thunder, I needed to position his member for him; I said "hey doc, he s my dog, I like him, but I ain't doing that, you can feel free to steer it, aim it, frigging crank it for all I care, but I ain't". He offered me rubber gloves. I told him "you ve probably done this before, I don t care if you wear gloves, long press on nails, a catcher's mitt, or a frigging hawk glove, have at it, cause I like thunder but I ain t grabbing him by his Old Man. Capisce! Get it?". The doc was explaining how he went online seeking medical answers, till Running Deer said "that site is lesbians in bondage!!". Oglethorpe responded. "and they don t deserve the finest in medical help? You got your rope burns, chain marks, whip bruises, assorted things being tugged and twisted; Running Deer and I walked away, digusted with the freak,
Billy Bob of course looked and said his new photography series "old geezers, young teasers" could fit in perfectly there.
The doc went into the bathroom and screamed at the top of his lungs "this floor is soaking wet, soaking,Rufus, Rufus, Ru-Fus I ve told you to close the lid after you take a drink. Now I was ready to exit, but Running Deer asked,
why must the lid be down, to which Oglethorpe explained, "well,I prefer to remain seated during all bathroom visits."
Now we both ran. Right into a smirking Rufus; he held a picture, i knew the picture, I checked my wallet, it was gone, he showed it to me, he said "Pretty lady", as he held Marie's Picture; I went for him. Oglethorpe tried to stop me, Running Deer told him gently, "when the scarf s wife is involved, you have 2 options, get out of the way, or get to a phone and make sure your burial plot is ready. Rufus dropped the wallet, said to me,I'll hurt you", then i kicked his legs out, he fell on the floor, i grab my valuables, took the gun out of my pants and put it in his mouth.
Time stood still..
I told him, the next sound you hear will be your bowels as they seize, loosen and evacuate. From the side came an unearthly bodily sound that had it occurred in the lake would have cause a fishkill of historic proportions. Amazingly, it came out of Billy Bob, who said he was very stressed out, was in shock, and plus had eaten an entire tin of Pringles Cajun Chips. As Rufus ran off, I showed Billy the water gun; i only brought it to wake up Puss n boots or calm down Thunder. Although water, actually any form of hygiene would probably upset Rufus, who smelled like a concoction of rotted teeth, rotten eggs, a slaughter house, and certain types of hair dye.
More intense noise, Oglethorpe yelled, "it s rufus, he s released the hounds". The hordes of dogs raced thru the building, outside and into the van..Where for the next 3 hours, amidst great shaking and rattling, Thunder serviced all of them. Oglethorpe asked me if Thunder had eaten pork and i had to confess he ate a whole pig; the pig got out, wandered by the dog house, all i found was a hoof, a piece of snout, and some tail. Oglethorpe forbade Thunder to ever eat pork again, gave me some pills, and charged me $1300.
That included expert analysis, the pork discovery, and Thunder's female companionship.
Plus Oglethorpe doesnt drive so he needed a new mountain bike and radio flyer wagon to pull Rufus in. So all was settled. I grabbed Puss N Boots out of a Rufus Jar (where the cat napped next to a long dead frog), watched Thunder fall over into a fatigue sleep, and we set to leave. Billy Bob was on the phone; he told me "I was in trouble for pulling the gun on Rufus and he had his uncle, the politician or judge, on thphone". The trust I have in politicians and judges is the same trust I have in letting a baboon pilot a blimp, so I was antsy.
I, the Scarf cannot draw attention to myself, or get arrested, etc. but Billy Bob, rat that he is, had asolution; I had to be his deputy on hard jobs, follow his orders, and I would be paid cash. Shit..............Running Deerand I seriously considered putting him and his entire clan in the Rufus jars, but, cooler heads prevailed.
I said okay only if Running Deer could be one also; Billy Bob agreed, so we were sworn in over the phone,and our badges would be arriving shortly.
We started the van, suddenly Rufus came out of the bushes and was slingshoting at us, till he fell into a sinkhole;Oglethorpe arrived, looked down into the hole, said, "This is kinda like Rufus' Timeout period, he 's fine, sorta likehe's back in the womb". I told Running Deer to floor the van, but Oglethorpe exclaimed, "I got an new DVD, "Strip Van Winkle", yum yum, nude bowling, nude sleeping, nude everything, very intense." Billy Bob hoppedfrom the van, told us to leave and yelled to Oglethorpe, "and as a backup we can re-visit the always popular"Vulva Vixens from Venus". Running Deer and I exited the frigging menagerie just as Rufus, the de-evolving hatchling exploded forth from the hole and off to Movie Night with Billy Bob+Familia. Chow freakos.Written by bskleros Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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5:59:04 PM EDT Feeling Loopy Edit Entry Delete Entry
A SONG-"BUTT CRACKS ON PARADE"
It seems no matter what store I enter, someone is crouching down, and their butt crack is peeking out, greeting me, what the heck is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Without even trying, I ve seen more butt cracks and thongs than a lingerie photographer.
So I've composed an ode to this new form of communication ("greetings"),
identification ("oh there's Sally in frozen foods"),
and information ("that's a size 8 encased in a size 2").......
"BUTT CRACKS ON PARADE" (SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "UNFORGETTABLE")
Butt cracks on parade
they bend and sway,
all colors, shape, and size
they fill your day
Just go into any sto---------re
you ll view one butt crack, than three more
all ages you see,
nineteen to fifty-threeeeeee
Some are very sweet,
some seem forlorn.
some of them sprout stuff
you shuck off corn
why is there so much
get a waxing, use some nair
if your rump it must be
in the aisle
Butt cracks on parade
unleashed by low hanging pants
i try not to stare,
as they take their stance
I m here to seek out
a canned ham
a jar of jam
a tasty leg of lamb
not an ass about TO burst from it's dam
Let's stay topical-THE SCARF IN CHINA-Don't drink the milk
THE SCARF'S ADVENTURE IN CHINA" or
DON T DRINK THE MILK......WHY? IT'S SPOILED. YUCK
So I go to china; I stow food and water in my pack, I get off the plane, I stretch, show my passport, and they tell me all the places "I can't go". Great. I must remember this is China, you can t draw on the Great Wall, you can t play handball against it, and if Humpty Dumpty sat on it, they'd nuke his yolk filled ass off of it and into an omelet. I go to the ministry of exports and we talk, well I talk, they bullshit me. I tell them their fish has so much lead in it, you can use it to to write a letter, do a crossword puzzle or a frigging essay on "Pollution".
I explain that after using their toothpaste, your tooth brush glows in the dark.
They ignore me.
Their back scratchers are hazardous, they go straight through to the users kidney.
The red in their candy canes, actually moves, what the heck, what is that mercury? Red dye #612?
They have a doll and it s hair is obviously asbestos. I wouldn t give you a Peking penny for that.
They tell me I am over-reacting. They tell me to relax and give me a toy, that thing you put your index fingers into and they stick; ok, I try it, I get stuck, they laugh, and the thing bursts into flames. I scream, they kill the fire with tepid tea, and explain the fire aspect "lends more competition" to the game. They say I am an alarmist. And that my fingers will heal.
They take me to a farm. There is a 800 pound pig on the farm. Suddenly, he stubs his hoof and sewage water pours out of him till he weighs about 500 and change. Their cattle is so antibiotic filled that if you have a rare chinese steak, instead of blood, tetracycline drips out. They offer me a can of soup, there is a hare in my soup, i mean a hare, a dead, long eared, fuzzy tailed rabbit, and I ask them, I thought this soup was "Italian Wedding"? They tell me I got the one with the special prize which means I win a case. I decline.
They wanted me to lunch with them, sea turtle stew, and I was to pick my own entree. I look in the tank, the turtles are jumping off little diving boards, swimming playfully, staring at me with forlorned eyes, shit, I can t pick which one to boil. No way. I go in my backpack and eat my own stuff.
I manage to sneak off on my own, I enter a large warehouse/food store, and I see "YIKES"!!!!!!!!
They have a lady at the food sampler table and she's wearing a respirator. I'll pass on the fried wontons, thank you. Their canned fruit peeks through the can, appearing as if it would burst forth and overgrow everything living thing like a Stephan King nightmare.
I see water coolers marked A and B. Comrade Woo explains to me, that cooler A,the clean fresh water, is used to cool the equipment and wash uniforms, while the murky B cooler, complete with sediment, slime and unidentifiable organisms, is for drinking, bathing, etc. Comrade Woo says it s all the same stuff, it has no adverse effects, to which I had to respond, "Come on pal, no effects, you're sporting a raised, raw, angry birthmark that seems to require nourishment and apparently covers the area from the crown of your head to your balls".
I was able to bribe Comrade Woo with American cigarettes, a copy of Windows XP software, and a DVD entitled "Thai Schoolgirls Gone Berserk", and he gave it all up. He admitted that the wet green lumpy stuff in a particular vat was either old cottage cheese or new mortar, depending on who paid the most. He said their food tasters were all anti-government types who volunteered (wink, wink) to guinea pig new products. They taste tested a lot of raw fish, I'd rather be in a maze and take my chances with the moldy cheese. He brought forth a topless lady who had used their beauty cream; her boobs were so stretched out they looked like participants in a county fair's Taffy Pull. Another's were so pitted I figured she was a stand-in at the dart toss.
I told him about the incident involving the urinating Chinese doll, Baby Tinkle Winkle; somehow a doll found it s way to New York, and when it made wee wee, the yellow liquid came out at roughly the same temperature as lava, thereby burning through 6 floors, the street, and damaging an underground subway car. If it came out of the other end, it would been "hot shit" no?
But. I digress
In their foodstore, there is an aisle for slightly damaged items, (slightly damaged meaning no top on the bottle, the left side of box missing, or a can so crushed it looks like a tiny frisbee). The checkout with the skull and crossbones light handles all those items. I'm thinking to myself, these people actually could kill the frigging Frankenstein monster. Without really trying.
They have a diet mixture they swear by. They have this peasant guy in a glass booth, and they claim in 30 days he'd lost 430 pounds. He is living proof. And no side effects. Well, I was there 12 hours and the whole time he was entranced by a piece of string somebody gave him; he talked to it, tugged on it, whispered to it, sat on it, chewed on it,stuck it up his nose, stuck it up his ass, stomped it,cursed it, kissed it, pulled it, stared at it, hmmmmmmobviously, very obviously, some brain involved side effects from the diet product; maybe they can call it The Village Idiot's Diet.
Comrade Woo, who hails from Moo Shu For You province, is scheduled to work on autos the Chinese will be exporting; oh that should be great.Frigging great. If the seat belts don t strangle you or the gear shift spike up and impale you, feel free to breathe in the lovely air-freshener,a combo of mandarin orange scent and crop dusting chemicals. Then you run over a frog and the car simply disintergrates.
In his house he has items from Sudan, a great trading partner of the Chinese, comrade Woo showed me these; One was a rubik's cube like device that used letters not colors and no matter which way you turned them it spelled jihad, Another was a Jack in the Box ripoff that played "Arabian Nights" Music and enemies from the West pop up and their heads fall off. Comes with 640 assorted heads, that s a lotta enemies.
Then Woo sang me a song the Chinese ambassador to Sudan had heard; Woo translated it into English and said it took off in China with a bullet to the top of the charts. It had nearly outsold Chairman Mao's version of "Old Man River".
It was sung to the tune of "My Kind of Town"
my kind of town
its not ka-boom or cartoon
my kind of people
people who, make much trade
each time i hail
back to khartoum
more dissidents in jail
gotta love khartoum
that ll put you in the ground
that s my kinda town.
I had had about enough of Comrade Woo, but he wanted to share with me, the radioactive Bay of the People, near his home.It s where all their costume jewelry was dipped, that way it never tarnishes. All the plant life shimmers like it's a Fiber Optic Display. Whoa. Perhaps we need not venture too close.I thought my eyes were acting up as I saw a buoy moving closer,till i realized it was a jelly fish, and Chinese army guys blasted it with lasers, bombs, grenades; I had 2 thoughts, one, these people really do put on some fireworks displays, wow,and two, I gotta get my skinny ass outta here before some gamma/beta ray hermit crab pulls me into his shell.
We met up with party officials, and they took me to visit the latest addition to their panda family. The red chinese are basically bored, they basically do 4 things; have sex, ride bikes (same motion involved), look after their Ming vases, and suck up to them f---g Pandas; f--g Ling Ling, Wing Ping, Ping Pong, Fon-gool. Actually the creature was nice, so I slipped him a Ring Ding, he liked it.
I was ready to depart, I shook hands, showed my documents, got on a boat, got horribly seasick and fell asleep for many hours. When I awoke, my feet were bare, thieves had taken my footwear, so they gave me Chinese sneakers and socks; the socks were so rough, I tore a toenail off and the sneakers so thin, that they ripped when i stepped on a piece of ice. Speaking of rough, their toilet paper would be better served as foundation for a house.
I switched boats and wound up on a ferry. NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL.
The ferry sign said "occupancy by over 67 is hazardous", hmmmmmmmm there was about 2200 aboard. And that didn t include the 1500 who were in "economy" that is, lashed to the sides of the boat. You know you re in trouble when the crew is wearing scuba gear. One guy in a rowboat could cause a wake that would capsize this ferry. I asked the captain "where the lifeboats were?", and when he honestly answered, "what is a lifeboat?", I quickly checked around for floatation devices;and all I could find was 4 life preservers shedding stuffing, 3 pairs of swimmees, 2 blowup dolls, and a fake plastic ass. SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT
THE LIFE+POSSIBLE DEMISE OF THE EVIL BENNY AQUA
The Life and Death (Debatable) of the evil Benny Aqua
Here is truly a man for no seasons, the late, although hardly missed, Benny, don t call me Bernard, Aqua
He of the heavy, sagging, coarse face, and constant scowl that looked like a clenched fist..He had a toilet seat head, no hair in the middle, all of it around the perimeter, and in the back it was long, long, like a horse's tail. We felt he was a variation on Mr Potatoe Head, that is, Mr Turd Head, complete with undigested items serving as his eyes, nose, and ears.
He had a squat, thick body, from constantly lifting weights, barbells, microwaves, lawn furniture,uprooting trees by hand, he cleaned and jerked his mother once till we begged him to "put her down and mind her walker".
He was the most obnoxious, contempt filled bastard ever to soil the earth.
Myself, Serge and he went to a sports bar once;
Benny had 2 sandwiches, 4 beers, a chocolate mousse cake, plus a broiled chicken entree to go
Serge had a sandwich and coffee
I had a coke
Benny asked, "so we split the bill 3 ways right, easy, fair?"
I asked him if he was f-g insane...........
When he came to your house, shit would flake off his scalp to such an extent, that you d have to vacuum the floor,some sort of volcanic dandruff eruption.
He had ESP...............eczema, seboria, and psoriasis, he could foretell without question that his scaly patches would pollute the earth
Then he d floss in your bathroom, and by the time he cleaned out his frigging prehistoric carnivore, frigging masterdon, diamond cracking, square thick teeth, your mirror would resemble a smorgasboard for hyenas.
This ia a guy who was 1/64 Native American and thought he should own one of their Casinos.
He'd say he was neither a borrower nor lender, then hit me up for a Triple Sawbuck
like I even knew what the f---k that was.
Here's a guy, would have a tip jar whether he was the CEO at a major corporation
or a guard at a prisoner of war camp. Had one at every job he had, and let s be honest
he had many, gee whiz a great dude like him couldn t keep one? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
And it got much worse.
His family owned a little cafe, a little grill, and he'd stand there, scowling, in his frayed pants, his greasy hair and stained baseball cap seemingly one piece, and while scratching his oversized nuts ask, " fix ya something?" I know he had oversized nuts, because one time,over lunch, he made me throw up my chick peas and pasta, by telling me he possessed an anaconda sized penis complete with a dense forest of pubic hair and testicles that resembled burlap bags.
TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
That was the first of many times that I pulled a gun on him.
Most of the meat for his grill came off the back of a truck and included a wide variety of species.
He killed time by either spitting on the grill, watching it sizzle or.putting something alive in the french fry cooker. He.stared silently right thru men customers and buried his frog eyes into the sexual parts of women. ....His food and drink were lousy.
He answered peoples complaints, as such,
"If you want strong coffee go to f--g Hondorus......
The catsup is fresh, just remove the thick solidified stalagmite piece out of the bottle.
The meat is very fatty and grizzly, of course it is, it actually helps it cook better.
You asked for a grilled cheese.....and tomatoe.........you didn t specify together"
The only time he cleaned the counter was when people were already eating, and the spray would go in their plates, on their glasses,
OBNOXIOUS BASTARD HE WAS.\His family owned a game of chance on the boardwalk, "Knock 'Em Down" and the milk crates were so lead filled that never mind a softball, a frigging bazooka could not knock em down; it might tilt them a bit, but not down. They didn t give out a prize for over 30 years. .
He came to my home when my dad passed away; he asked what killed my pops, I answered "peanuts"
He said, "Allergic reaction?"
I told him, "No, my dad thought he could fly and he jumped off a building and landed on a hot peanut vendor. When they gave me his ashes the peanut smell was so overwhelming I thought I was at the circus."
We had received a lot of food for my dad's service and I told Benny to help himself to a sandwich; the shitbird brought 4 shopping bags and filled them with turkey, roast beef, cappicola, provelone, egg salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, potatoe chips, pretzels, dip, multi colored pasta, the f---k actually was about to add clothes detergent, dishwashing liquid, and our blender.
As I yelled at him, he mentioned he own recently deceased dad, Penny "cheap bastard" Aqua.
HMMMMMMM.....according to the newspaper Penny had died of natural causes;
that is if hanging upsidedown from a tree with a holly stake thru your heart is natural.
He was not buried or creamated but as per his wishes, was taken out to sheepshead bay and cut into chum.
Benny would visit your house, bring a single bottle of soda, ask "if you had any candy or cookies or danish or donuts or layer cake or cracker jack", and then, when he left, take the 1/6 of a bottle of remaining soda with his useless ass.
We went to a mall once, and in a candy store, he asked to try approximately 96 differant flavors of jellybean when they woman stated he couldn t try them all; he nastily answered I didn t want to try them all. She knew the truth as did I, you already went through cherry, cherry vanilla, vanilla bean, bubblegum, cotton candy, chili pepper, you certainly did you venemous turd.
We went into an piano/organ store and he sat and played something that induced nausea; actually drove browsers from the store, he told me "I call this Interlude, I told him I called it frigging hideous. A raccoon made purer notes.
I operated a video store for a while, as a gambling front, and he d come in and bother me; people actually mistook him for a horror standee, you know, a cardboard monster advertisement. One Halloween, when he rented as his father as a ghoul, Benny asked me what he himself should go as,I thought for a sec, said, got a great idea, take off your clothes, stick your legs out, put a faucet between your breasts and go as a TUB OF SHIT.....
He would open his fat mouth, bragging to people about his success at bedding welfare mothers, his abilty to eat strange organisms like june bugs+angelfish, the fact that he needed to use a metal garbage can lid as a protective cup for sports,and during the summer he d rent out his driveway to tourists, he d rent them beach chairs, umbrellas, his father's oxygen tanks, anything. I saw the idiot once cut his entire lawn by swinging a sickle; hey sicko buy a mower.
Cheap bastard.He built a dog fence using only driftwood and fallen trees he could find , it took him 13 years, by the time he was done the dog had been dead for 2 years. He d re-pave his driveway using a cup of tar at a time, and the fool would actually put up little flags to not walk on it.
The family, yes the family, got him a telemarketing job once, sellinglife insurance; his pitch was
"How old are you, you gonna live forever? "
"HELP THOSE WHO REMAIN BEHIND selfish old wizened fart"............
"Are u just senile, buy this, or, I'll come and get you,; count on it"
Benny was never very subtle.
Next, he sold lawn grass.
His pitch was:
"This grass will grow anywhere.......i don t care if you, have no lawn, this stuff grows on concrete slabs. grows on tin it will grow on top of a raging fire. I will throw in 160 pet urines spots, what, no pets, well, get one, you need the companionship. Your neigbors all talk about your lawn, they mock it. they told me, your lawn is where old shit goes to break down. Yes they all said that."
Benny hated porn ,had no need for it, as he had a harem (or so he fantasized, ugly f--k)
but he certainly circled his calendar on 2 for 1 day. Plus tried to use a coupon, to get a extra one.
I told him only 2 ,so he, Mr non-porn opted for Fudge Pack to the Future and ASIAN Schooltramps #6. Asswipe.
In the video store he d constantly identify actors through their movies, he 'd say "oh you mean, "James "The Presidents Daughter" Woods? Or Harrison "Witness" Ford? Or "Sally "Norma Rae" Fields?" And then Benny would laugh like the insane character portrayed by Robert "Cape Fear" de Niro.
The only person who Benny was kinda leery of was a daily customer, THE MAJOR. Not sure where THE MAJOR held his rank, not sure if it had to do with the military or college or constellations. Before he even entered the video store you could smell THE MAJOR'S hair tonic as it sat on thin, whispy hair, sprouting from a scalp that seemed to have a constant sunburn. His eyelids were 99% closed, he had a pointed puppet nose, with maroon colored lips, pale though blotchy cheeks, hairless arms, and a turkey gizzard neck. He wore khaki pants, and always, day after day, no matter the weather, a thin white cotton shirt, with no t-shirt, revealing moist, pink, glistening skin resembling a freshly skinned rabbit. And finishing the overall effect was the possibility that his shirt would split under the pressure of his seemingly perpetually erect nipples. As he moved left or right, they seemed to reach out to you. He scared Benny; um....I think he was harmless, but unsettling.....
The clincher was when THE MAJOR was asking about new movies and stated, "I'm looking for material featuring James"OnceUpon a Time in America" Woods or Harrison "Patriot Games" Ford or maybe Sally "Mrs. Doubtfire" Fields.Benny freaked, he whispered to me, "He knows my thoughts, he 's a warlock." I tried to explain a warlock would probably have leather seats in his car as opposed to crappy cloth, but Benny kept at it.. THE MAJOR was spouting to me, in agitation, that the movie he just returned, "was supposed to be 96 minutes, but was only 91, I checked twice".
I felt like I was losing control. I was trapped between them. To the right, Benny in his tight pants, his trans Atlantic pipeline predominately diplayed, seemingly respirating slightly like a rodent filled python, and to the left, THE MAJOR, MR. Living Waxworks with his always showcased high beam nipples bobbing and weaving at me like chaser lights. I was drowning, f--uckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkthis. I threw them both out of the store.....For good. No quarter. Fuc--k off forever.
THE MAJOR moved to Florida, where one tropical morning his simply became a human fog bank; his last words being Val "Heat" Kilmer, and his only remains being boiling hair tonic, shards of smoke house like skin, and 2 items that appeared to be chestnuts.
Benny? Well when the hit went out on me, the always loyal, aggressive, bright Benny decided to whack me and get the reward; he got two men to help him, Nick "The Juice" Hanos and Serge, the Russian. Whoops; what Bennydidnt realize is that Serge was Georgian and also a good friend of mine. Benny and his co-conspirators went to dig up clean guns, and although Serge would have stood up for me, it was un-necessary. Here is SERGE'S ACCOUNT OF
"So we go down to the beach and dig, well halfway through Nick "the Juice" Hanos hit a power line and looked like a burnt gyro; according to Benny, it was an acceptable loss. Suddenly the sea rushes into the hole, I jump out, Benny says,"whaddanisuppose2 do", I thought float, I mean I figured a guy who's name means water could swim, nope last thing Isaw was his heavy sagging face pulled into the whirlpool vortex, man, he went down that drain like a fucking scrubbing bubble. BLUB BLUB BLUB. Next day, there was a mass suicide of shellfish, coincedence? Who knows."
So the Scarf here figures Benny is probably gone, but a part of me knows, knows full well, that the Benny Aquas of the world can survive almost anything;
it s the cock roach in them.
THE SCARF'S TRIBUTE TO 9/11
The Scarf will think of and pray for all the victims of the attack, he will remember them and those they left behind, he will always appreciate the US men and women in foreign lands who protect him, and also their families. Thank you for your sacrifices on my behalf. Your gift to all of us is priceless, and will never be forgotten.
The Scarf will always, in his absurd way, point out the Elitists, the vain, the shallow, the egotists, those that have some much and seem to appreciate nothing, always remember, you and I are their equals, We are Citizens. You can put mansions, strong political machines, huge financial donations, glittering parties, fawning celebs, and a lauding media on ELITIST, POWER DRIVEN SWINE, and, know what...... they re still ELITIST POWER DRIVEN SWINE.
As an outside observer of politics, I still must readily
admit..........that Barack Obama has done P.T. Barnum proud...
There is indeed "a sucker born every minute",
and the smoke+mirrors have worked so well, no substance, all style, and crowds eat it up. Like eating cotton candy really, there's nothing to it, it's simply chewy rhetoric that melts away easily.
Celebs who act, sing, dance, have a natural talent, that is quite true, but when it comes to Economics, National Defense, Health Care, these vain, shallow loudmouths have no more knowledge than a fry cook, a car salesperson, or an insurance agent;what they do have is the abiltiy to spout their views to a big audience, which regular folks do not.
I was born into the mob life, I wanted to please my poor insane Father,,I was obsessive-compulsive, numbers engulfed me, so I excelled at taking bets,figuring out payments, and when I got to a certain age, I walked away from that , and now I simply lead my life, and attempt to be of service.
When I was in the life, the Collector, Andy Figlio, took me on a trip to a Hamptons party; his final warnings had been put out, and Collections were to be made. A big, wasteful, prideful Party.
We walk into the mansion, and there's so much Ego floating around it s sucking up all the oxygen; every singleperson spewing out details of their accomplishments, wealth, etc, very tedious, boring, annoying, the elite media was there and the bullshit was so heavy I needed hip boots. And their Plots against people were worse than I ever heard in Mama Suzie's Private Club.
They had your basic $500,000 swimming pool, what the hell is that?
Man some Esther Williams lookalike better be diving off a high board into
a pit of world class fireworks for that amount of money.
For 500 grand, the Olympic Champion Syncronized Dancing Team should come along with the floats and shit.
Or one of the pool corners better be a portal to the lost city of Atlantis, for 500,000 grand. Whew....
As we surveyed the scene, the beautiful, the extravagant, etc. I noticed 2 things. One, there's been enough plastic surgery in this place to stock a cannibal smorgsboard for a century. Everybody has tight faces and puffy lips,perfect noses, and flat stomachs, yet they were still complain, want more, etc..
I thought of medical waste and I had visions of nose pieces, crows feet, inverted breasts, etc. landing on the shoreline.
Among the guests, Liposuction seemed so rampant, that the excess fat could have filled a trough that ran from theHamptons toHollywood and fed many swine.
My Uncle Bag always told me that they use ass tissue to puff up girl's lips, and that each time the girl farts,her lips pucker. He was hurt, he thought girls were blowing him kisses, till he realized they were just polluting the atmospere with their low calorie gas.
The second thing I saw was 3 of the guests; they were big time loser gamblers, all of whom had
been late with their payments, and each was shuttled into a private room.
One was a big rap star/action hero actor, but in the room, he was mourning and groaning like one of the "Trojan Women". He was, as the our boss, Andy Figlio stated, "crying like some whelping bitch". Andy explained to Mr. Actor, "hey tell ya what, you run, and maybe all the our guys will have really bad aims like in the movies. Or even better, you was a super hero your last flick correct? Ok, we test it out, we see if youse can walk through a wall of flame."
His popular tv actress girlfriend was there, and Andy explained that if she danced in his strip club that could pay the debt. Of course her implanted boobs would be groped bynon-manicured fingernails and their d be some drooling, but what the heck!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, The Dude paid up, in full, that day.
The second guy was a big investment banker/internet genius who lost a fortune on football, but didn t think he should have to pay A VIG. Figlio said, "what like you don t charge interest on your loans asswipe?" When they told the banker they would "wall him up" in one of his Manhattan slum apartments, as Figlio explained, "Like in that Poe guys stuff", payment was made in full.
Lastly, speaking of Poe, I saw the hottest horror writer in the world, he of the scary words and the love of horse racing. He owed a ton. He said, "I have had a dream where a multi-colored horseraces to the finish line and gets me even." Figlio said, "I have had a dream where each of your appendages are tied to a different colored Mustangs as they speed away in differant directions." The check was written in less than 30 seconds.
An interesting trip to say the least.
People ask me The Scarf about the presidential races........like I give a shit. C'mon, we ve all seen the "Godfather" the strings holding up the puppet, no way am I ever gonna be that. Congress has like a 15% approval rating, would you have a job with that rating? No.
Would anybody? No.
With all their family member lobbyists, earmarks, speaking fees, the only sound coming out of Congress is not yes or no, it 's CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING, as they pad their wallets to the size of the Trojan Horse.
Picking a candidate for any, ANY OFFICE in this country is like being trapped in North Korea and eating their buffet, the choices are; Happy Family Pet, Sweet and Sour Old Horse, or Dissident General Tsao's Nuts in Hot Sauce. Ummmmmmmm
We need Change, but not Mutation. Can we all say FRANKENSTEIN!!!!!!!!!! Sure it sounded ok but didn t really work out that well.
Friday, September 12, 2008
COMEDY ON FIST, FUNDAMENTALIST ISLAMIC TELEVISION NETWORK
Greetings All, the SCARF here, I intercepted another transmission from FIST, the fundamentalist Islamic television network.............
Along with Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and other things you ll think you ll never see (Rosie O'Donnell in a swimsuit layout, Paris Hilton portraying Madame Curie or knowing who Madam Curie was or even spelling Curie), one must include Islamic radicals holding hands, singing "We Are The World", unless of course, they conquer it.........However they have used the melody from "We Are The World"
to sing their new hit song, "WE ARE WAHABBI".
"we are the world
we are wahabbi
don t make us have to put you to the sword
though that s our hobby
it s a choice
you re saving your own life
just follow all our rules
and your blood won t pool,
we are the world
we are wahabbi
my name is abdul-ali-al-rakim
don t call me bobby,
(bob dylan voice)
there s a choice
you re making
the oil it flows so freeeeeeeeee,
it s easy as 1-2-3-
with the wahabbi
now you gotta believe
just like the sky is blue
if you re an infidel you re
going to go toooo
hell------------ hell------------ hell--------hell
you are the great satan
no virgins await
the only thing you ll sleep with
will emit a moo
we are the world
we are wahabbe
perhaps we ll change some of our point of view
and be less snobby
maybe we can find
a happy medium
and then one day
together we will all have some fun
and then one day together
we will all have some fun
this has been a hama
Osama Bin Laden set up a meeting with Elliot Spitzer's hooker, Ashley Dupree
also known as Kristin. He sung a song to their sexual encounter.
here she comes
and I m looking like some
Saudi stumble bum
when she gets here on the mountain
I ll go off just like a fountain
kristen' s coming upthe mountain, here she comes
she ll be more fun than a camel
that is true
and she won t back into my nuts
till they turn blue
she s a hooker
screws 4 money
but tonight she ll be my honey
she is coming up the mountain
here she comes
since I ve been someone's
fornication ain t romantic
in a cave
its been yrs lemme tell ya
since I seen my genitalia
need a lawn mower to give
I will pay her dollars and opium
for her delights
she s a virgin 10 times removed
her Western Blight
I will fill her with my
try to drown her Satan
then I ll throw her off the mountain
when I come
MR. AKBAR'S NEIGHBORHOOD
I got this transmission by mistake from FIST,
Fundamentalist Islamic Television.
A camera starts rolling, the sound is on, and a robed man enters the frame.
"it s a dusty day in the neighbor hood
the ventilation in this cave in not so good
won t you be my,
i won t harm you,
Hello friends, welcome to MR.AKBAR'S NEIGHBORHOOD.
we have a special show today,
so make sure TO pay attention.
i will use animated figures and toys to
show you the proper etiquette for driving enemies away from your wells
with a certain style, while my obediant wife, as part of her "meals on the move project"
will whip up her specialty jello with sheep eyes have you tasted this? Hmmmmmmm. delish An eye opening dessert
"watch it staring,
it is glaring,
looks right through you,
don t be afraid, it s only
Where's my wife? Missy, Bring me the mullah, no , no, not the old guy with the beard, the greenbacks, the mullah, the cash, wait, hold that thought, let's connect our new Playstation. I got a generator friends, allow me a few technology comforts ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next time I will explain how to turn a bad thing into a good thing;
if indeed I am a eunach, I will use my high voice
to form a band, like from the 1960's, retro I think they call it,
I will be AKBAR AKJAN ANDTHE 4 HORSEMAN OF THE APOCOLYPSE.
Kinda like Frankie Valli....."Big girls, they cryyyyy, oi they cry, big girls, they cry, I'll tell u why
saw my girl kiss my best friend,
now we'll stone them end to end
when them rocks begin to fly
big girls and boys do cry
big girls they cryyyyy
projectiles flying low and high
big girls they cry
do you wonder why?"
GOODBYE FROM MR AKBAR'S NEIGHBORHOOD, SEE YA!!!!!
I was able to get the Transcript of the Unanimous WINNER, of the ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALIST IDOL WINNER. AKBAR, by name, won for his rendition of "KABUL, KABUL" song to the tune of "NEW YORK, NEW YORK". The votes came in by phone, audience approval, falcon, and mule cart. Here is his song
"I COME U.S.A.
I DRIVE THE TAXI
BACK HOME THE FAMILY POPPY BUSINESS
BECKONED TO ME,
PEOPLE IN MY MOUNTAIN LAND
LOVE OPIATES AND CASH,
SO MUCH THEY LL HIDE TWO KILOS
RIGHT UP THEIR ASSSSSSSSSSS
NOW I CAN WAKE UP IN A CITY
THAT S ALWAYS HIGH
AND WATCH THE FOREIGN AIRCRAFT
SOAR THRU THE SKY
ARE NOT HERE TO STAY,
YOU ALL CAN MAKE A BRAND NEW START OF IT
IN OLD KABUL
IF U CAN SHIP FROM HERE
YOU GONNA SHIP IT, EVERYWHE-----------RE
MY FAMILY'S BUT A FEW
BUT REALLY REALLY DUE
(sniffs coke off knuckle) (EXCLAIMS) "72 virgins here i come" (pushes button palm)
He is the unanimous winner amidst great clapping, cheering, and tongue clucking,
as his nose (still with the connection across it) and turban fall to EARTH
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Remember in the movie, "MARS ATTACKS", the aliens vaporized the entire Congress, boy if they did that in 2008 the MARTIANS would not realize the favor they d be doing us. Why not vaporize them; they are either on vacation, taking free trips, getting their familiy members lobbying jobs, bullshitting the bullshit absorbing media, pointing fingers, or more than anything else NOT DOING ONE FUCKING THING!!!!!!!
So Now Congress Has An Approval Rating of 8%!!!!!!!!!!! I could pick a bunch of animals out of my barn and they could get an 8% approval rating......And they ain t all Lawyers. Actually we should send vampire bats to Congress, they d suck our blood along with our dollars, and it d be quicker. WE THE PEOPLE????????? Sadly friends, NO. Them, it s only about Them, the elitists, who will always be warm, cool, well fed, comfortable, hanging with shallow, vain celebrities, and trying with all their might to tell us how to live our lives. Marc isn t a LEMMING, so they can fuck off.
I am in Witness Protection but that doesn t mean I'm invisible; I feel like the choice between political candidates is like choosing between cholera or typhus. The Congress seems to forget they work for us; I got an idea, let s fire all of them, physically throw all their special interest groups out of the city, and put people who care about OUR INTERESTS IN OFFICE. And what s with the Supreme Court? They are not meant to legislate, that s the job of the rotten Congress to be honest, so why are the judges revising the Constitution, and even worse, they all vote along idealogical lines, every vote seems to be 5-4. You want those wizened trolls deciding your future? If you look close, I think 2 of them are already dead. And what s this Political Correctness shit?
It is, in reality, a way to halt dissent. One side can say anything they wish, you know, free speech, but the other said can t say anything. What is that? Political Correctness began in the Soviet Union, then to Germany, and finally to our shores, it slithered in like waste through a sewer. The day will come when I can t order a yellow American cheese sandwich on Italian bread with brown mustard. Yellow, American, Italian and brown will offend someone, so I ll have to say cheese on bread. A Western Omelet will be offensive; to order it, you ll have to ask for the Omelet with all the shit in it.
It even affects team nicknames, at least it will soon
you can t say Colorado Avalanche cause that diminishes other climatic catastrophies like typhoons, monsoons, mudslides, earthquakes
you can t say Colorado Rockies cause that leaves out the Alps, Pyrennes, Andes
you can t say Denver Broncos cause that shows no respect for colts, mares, mustangs
Can t even say bald eagle, gotta say folically challenged eagle.
The great novel IVANHOE, now you gotta say, IVAN-HA. it s humiliating for that noble knight, people laughing at him.
PC CAN KISS MY ASS.
all my best amigos, Marc Anthony Gamberony