"THE TIME GAMBERONY DELIVERED MRS. RIBNICKI'S 17TH CHILD"
"THE TIME GAMBERONY DELIVERED MRS. RIBNICKI'S 17TH CHILD"
Annette and Hans Ribnicki had 16 kids; they ranged in age from 31 years to
31 months. Mr. Ribnicki had lost his legs attempting to hop a train in his youth,
but it certainly didn t effect his middle leg. And the missus, her eggs were
sperm magnets, she was as fertile as the richest soil on the planet. When the
poor woman wasn t pregnant, she was drunk. One St. Patricks's Day, she was
wasted and in her thick Irish brogue, called me "a little olive skinned street urchin".
I was like 9. And she started throwing stuff, candies, lipstick etc. at me. I just
bobbed and weaved, made like a duck in a shooting gallery, and finally in her
drunken fury she leaned back and fired her pocketbook at me. I caught it on the fly
like a wide receiver and continued on my way with my new found treasure. My insane dad
made me give it back. I told him I got it fair and square, but he said, in his thick
although phony Italian accent, "she's a biga painina thee assa but she s a neighbor, besides,
her hus a band is a peg a leg, they got enough problems." I returned it, asked for a
reward, and she chased me for 8 blocks. WHEW.....
Then, when I was 18 and dressed up for a big holiday dinner, I heard a cry for help, found Mrs.
Ribnicki on the ground, and had to deliver her baby. Her 17th. The experience was like
a combination car wreck, parachuting accident, root canal, quicksand mishap, and
Iranian prison, all wrapped up in one neat package.
She was behind our apartments in New York, I think she was poisoning rats or looking for
one of her many cats or dogs or chiildren, when she went into labor. I knelt beside her,
I asked if she needed help. She answered in her thick Irish brogue, "Slim, you re all we got,
are ye sterilized?" I told her "Mrs. Ribnicki, I'm obsessive-compulsive, I washed my hands about
300 times today." She told me that was probably 300 times more than her kids who worked in their
family bakery/tv repair shop , and then said, "Well Slim, have at it."
I knew what needed to be done, there had been a film in high school about giving birth, i remember
many of the big macho guys threw up while watching it, but at this moment I was glad I had gone
back for the second showing, the matinee. I rolled up my sleeves and began.
Somewhere between the first and 11th grunt, Mr. Ribnicki and my father showed up.
Not good at all.
Mr. Ribnicki and I had some history between us; he'd ask you to help him across the wide avenue,
and as he had wooden legs, ok, you d give it a shot. But he d bitch the whole time, yelling,you were going too fast, too slow, you walked over the manhole covers, you turned too quick, you turned to sharp,he d whack you with his cane, curse you, start to walk in the opposite direction, I mean come on, be a little appreciative.
One time i helped him into a public toilet and propped him up against the urinal, and he screamed and cursed at me so much, I said fuck it, stuffed a mop handle against his ass to prop him up, left him standing there, walked out and put the OUT OF ORDER sign on the toilet door. I think he got out of there the next day.
But on this particular day my dad RAG spoke up; at the baby delivery scene
My dad RAG asked, "Markie, what you doing?"
ME-"I' m delivering her baby
DAD-"That's the best you can come up with? Kinda weak
ME-"Dad shut up
DAD-"This is your future, as a midwife or maybe a wet nurse?
ME-Dad I don t need your remarks, and, where are all the cops and FBI that are usually tailing you?
DAD-They re busy, the 7/11 just went half price on all muffins, donuts and buns.
MR. RIBNICKI-Young Gamberony, would you take your hands off of, um, er, out of, my wife
HE POINTED AT ME WITH HIS CANE
ME-Mr.Ribnicki will you get that fucking cane outta my face; there;s dog shit on the bottom of it; fucking gum mixed with hair and stuff.
MRS. RIBNICKI-Hans you idiot he's trying to help
MR. RIBNICKI-Did your water break?
DAD-Absolutely, I think i saw a small stream down the block; hmmmmmm, but seriously Marc Anthony, you re the expert, you are positive she's calfing?
ME-Dad don t make me get up and kill you. I don t want to, but you re aggravating the shit outta me, ouch,ouch
As I started to move my arm, it was seemingly pulled back into place by inseen forces.
DAD-Oh boy, you ll never throw a curveball again.
MR.RIBNICKI-Hyper-extended elbow to be sure
ME-Will someone call the cops?
DAD-I need to stay here laddie, you see, this here lady has had a ton of kids, you may just disappear, likea James Stewart in Vertigo, you fall into the vortex of nothingness.
MRS. RIBNICKI-I resent that you insane miserable bastard
MR. RIBNICKI-Now dear
MRS. RIBNICKI- Don t dear me, you got me into this, your legs aren t the only thing that s always wooden.
MR.RIBNICKI-I don t like to brag
MRS. RIBNICKI-You lying bastard, do you know boys, do you know what they called him in the old country, Hans with the Swantz.
ME-My wrist is numb.
MRS. RIBNICKI-Hans,I begged you to get a new pastime
DAD-CB radio; Hans with the Swantz over
MRS. RIBNICKI-Gamberony will ye SHUDDDDUPPPPPPPPPPPP"
MR. RIBNICKI-I thought our love life was special?
MRS. RIBNICKI-That s why I always ask you, is it over? Are we done?
ME-I have to sneeze
MRS. RIBNICKI-Don't ye dare; you'll rattle me insides into mush.
DAD-Change the subject. Oh i think i hear a siren
MR. RIBNICKI-Should I hold his nose? It s huge actually
DAD-That s not very nice, why don t you just say when he inhales he lowers the pollen count?
MR. RIBNICKI-I have a problem with my nose too, I have a deviant septum
DAD-Fine. Stay away from my son s nose and keep yours way away from me
MRS. RIBNICKI- Do you see Mark Anthony why i must drink heavily sometimes?
ME-I m gonna sneeze Mrs. R., I m sorry
DAD-Hey everybody, listen up, I ma watching tv and the guy says in a relaxed, calming voice "Baboons have overtaken a town in South America, and, well, at times, it can be, well, unsettling.......I m a watching these creatures are eating the food, drinking the water, 2 little kids are on a seea saw, and 2 baboons are screwing like theyre trying to savea their species. Thena I thought it switched over to a fishing show, Im a look and I say, oh someone is using a fiberglass rod and they hooked a real big one. Look at the bend in thata sucker The camera pans back and it s the head baboon with hisa gigantic pen---is standing there.
Everytime he gets distracted, it deflates then in 2 seconds, boom, like a they just cut the rope on the obelisk BARANG GOING up it a goes again. He s standing there with his hands on his hips, looking left and right, grunting,
LIKE WHO THE FUCK HE THINK HE IS. YOU SONNAMABITCHIf I was there, shit, i getta my pistol I empty it in hisa noodle, he grunta, his big tee tee shrinks,he falls to earth witha his big red ass in the air.
ME-You are a fucking psycho pops.
But suddenly, the Ribnickis begin to laugh; they laugh so hard that the old man falls off one of his legs, and the old lady is cackling; I feel the baby, before i can speak, its down the chute and in my arms.
DAD-Shit he was speed racer at the end
Suddenly emergency workers and police surround us.
MR. RIBNICKI-Finally
DAD-Break over
The emergency workers grabbed me, I shook them off telling them I didn t need a torniquet or any pressure applied.
My dad pulled me away, but said, "You look like Sonny Corleone when they got him at the toll booth. Um, hey can we open a fire hydrant for this poor ragamuffin, I don t want the familia to see him like this?
The Ribnickis welcomed their new son to the world. The workers fixed everything up and all would be well.
After the city water washed me off, I got ready to go upstairs and change, but I had to say one last thing to the cops and firemen.
ME-Hate to bother you guys, but later, not now, later, would you tell Mrs. Ribnicki, um, if she finds a cuff link with the letter G or an allergy bracelet, I d like them back.
As we walked home, my insane dad sang
"I saw mommy kissing oooooooooooooooooo,
SINTA KLAUS
underneath the mistoltoe last night
he didn t know that i could
see
as he copped a feel for
free
I d like to kick his jolly ass straight back up the
chimney
And i saw mommmy kissing ooooooooooooo SINTA KLAUS
ME-Dad.......You re Sinta Klaus. You put out the gifts.
DAD-That s right I am; hmmmmmmm I need to get the sleigh ready, gotta get the
pigeons, Donner, Blitzer, Rudolph, get ready, I hadda my suit pressed special too.
We went upstairs, mom made him an expresso, slipped 4 pills in it, and he slept the night away.
ME? In all the years since, Annette Ribnicki always smiles at me. In a fucking scary way.







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Thursday, August 14, 2008
9:05:32 PM EDT Feeling Anxious
MY FRIEND SERGE
My friend Serge got in touch with me; he is in Witness Protection also.
I could never be anything but small potatoes in the Mafia, because I was half Calabrese
Well, Serge could only be small potatoes in the Russian Mfiacause he was half Georgian.
He was, like me, in the finance end of the mob, but they wanted to kill him over a woman.
He was innocent.
He never cared about her.
He told me she was huge;almost like the female offspring of Wonder Woman and a Yehti. Little Miss Bigfoot.
He wrote to me in the first person.
She was six foot eight and carried enough weight or stone to construct 6 playgrounds...
Huge breasts, Hu---ge, and she always wore ultra tight tops, freakin boobs didn t peek out so much as Unleash Themselves on the population. She could crack brazil nuts in her cleavage; her breasts were tattoed with large birds, their bloody prey still in their talons, whew, Serge figured if she ever breast fed they would serve as education/entertainment/garnish for the kid. Of course to breast feed she d need to remove her hula hoop sized nipple rings,which could turn the entire area into a lactic birdbath and call for plastic protective clothing.
And to be honest, the last time he saw an ass like hers it was using it s tail to swish away flies at the water hole.
Mega-Chick; and despite the fact that her legs had that oatmeal/cottage cheese look to them, they were potent, I think she could rip the top off a fire hydrant or a parking meter with her inner thighs. And she was all Face, all face. I figured she was the model for frigging easter island. And very equine, I kept looking for her bridle.Her face was like a life-sized chess piece; rook to frigging knight or something. This girl couldn t bob for apples, this girl bobbed for pumpkins or pineapples.
She was the mistress of the boss, so she had full run of the mansion, She got me in trouble cause I couldn t get fix the thing that made the toilet paper dispenser smell like lemon; I thought.what s the difference? if it worked. the aroma wudda been what, Shit-rus???
I had to accompany her to Brighton Beach, and when she hit the ocean, I was nervous, figuring she may swamp rowboats or grab an entire lobster pot in her mouth or tear ass and cause afishkill of historic proportions. But to be honest it was her shallow, petty attitude that drove me nuts; she d run to the boss if i didn t get skim milk,come on, this from a women who in the old country drank milk that looked like tartar sauce. This was a woman who had pms 165 days a year, plus pre-pms the other 200. And she lied, said she was lead dancer in the Bolshoi Ballet, really?Didn t they have HGH testing? No hey I woulda paid money to see the prima ballerina lifted up by a block and tackle, grease the rope, wow, that really wudda been The Nutcracker.
So, she hated me, I loathed her, but again, I answered to the boss so Itry to help her out, so one day I say, "Eh-katherina, no not Hey Katherina, one word, Ehkaterina, that was her name;
I say, Ehkatherina, when you don t wear panties and you bend way over, I can see your Pooh Bear. And Pooh s got thatpeculiar grin on his face". So Viktor, the boss, walks in, asks what is a pooh bear. I explain I call that part of a woman her pooh bear because it s a HoneyPot. He s angry, he accuses me of digging Ehkaterina, says I should not be staring at her honey pot, and now I'm mad and says it s like high definition tv right in my face, besides her s is probably more of a Pandora's box than a honeypot. I told him he expected baby crocodiles or mustard gas to come outta there.....I backed him always, and he turned on me, soooooo, i told him, maybe she could walk away from the table a little hungry once, and also asked him, when she gets affectionate and lays on top of you, doesn t she cut your breathing off?
Viktor, who for some reason was naked, I think he was in the sauna pissing his name on hot rocks, pulled a gun on me. From where it came, who could not tell, the counter? the floor? His blemished ass? Who can say!!!!!!!!!
He said I wanted Ehkatherina; i told him where she was concerned there wasn t enough viagra in the universe to unboil my linguine. Viktor points the gun. I reasoned with him; "Viktor you and I were children together, remember, in the old days,you d rat out my dissident cousins, i d rat out yours. Remember May Day; the soviet union would parade their expensive missles, bombs, military might through the streets while you and I shared one frigging ritz cracker. No cheese. No dip. Remember we pickpocketed 100 people that day, what did we come up with; 8 rubles,3 american dollars a Lenin sock puppet, a radio free europe membership card, and a czechloslovakian condom that wrapped on python like assuring thet one's dick would resemble a skin tag after the deed was done. Remember it said one size fits all.
When the KGB brought you in for your criminal activites, who kept the wood in your mouth when they electric shocked you into neon sign status. Me.
Viktor was not going to let me go. I said "I know where all the bodies were buried by you, Igor, and Anatoly, oh please don t call yourselves the Brothers Karimazoff, i know it s your name, a very literary name, see if that holds any pull in the big house when you're somebody's cigarette bitch. Mybe you can read the classics with some lifer who s been pumping iron for 20 years. Tell him you re Viktor Hugo, and he'll tell you, Viktor, Hu-go and get me an extra dessert or I ll pound your sorry ass into mulch. I know, may you can prepare them your famous Shake+Borsch.. Truth is Viktor, and this comes from your friend Serge,You made a crime fortune, but you're still a peasant with the I.Q. of a sun dried monkey feces..
Serge, me, I brought you to america, because of me you enjoyed vitamins whose expiration dates weren t in the 1980's, you eat meat that hasn t been hit by a trolleycar, lazer beam or experimental germ bomb, and most importantly, I taught you to keep your temper, right, you stopped trying to kill people who s ancestors raided your village 400 years ago, remember what i told you, let it go, the mule they stole is long dead by now, let it f---------g go.
I made a mistake and you just made a huge one, I m gonna sing like Barry Manilow, and you re going down. and, wait, one thing, by the way, ok, stop walking around naked, truly have you looked down at your balls lately, I don t know if a de-veining would help, i think they do that, but man with their thickness, discoloration and density they re starting to resemble Fabrege eggs.
I was given a final glass of vodka, which i threw in Viktor's face and sprinted away to my car. I could hear in stereo, Ehkaterina behind me, cursing, threatening, I felt the marble floors loosening, I knew how Jack felt as he headed to the beanstalk, "FE FI FO FUCK". I got in my car, started off, Ehkaterina grabbed the back of it, I floored it, and sped off, losing only my spoiler and a piece of muffler.
I escaped. I went into witness protection
The Brothers Karamazov went to prison; Boris in America (ouch), Anatoly in Mexico (double ouch), Igor in Turkey (ultimate ouch).
Ehkaterina married a cossack, re-located to the Ural Mountains, and produces soft core porn movies based on fairy tale, historical or soviet themes; they're distributed worldwide on DVD, or online. Titles include the sexy witchcraft tale "Wicca Tickle You", um, "Raspu-teen", "Napoleon Boner-Dart", "War and Peace of Ass",all fairly self-explanatory, and the bondage fantasy ,
"Strap-unzel", there s more than just frigging hair coming outta that tower.
Russian Prime Minister Putin was a big lover of the last 2 flicks, but his all time favorite was "I-2-3 KGB", about Russian fornicating their geographic neighbors.
Serge will contact me again soon.











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8:36:32 PM EDT Feeling Rebellious
Morris the Cat in a Retired Actors Home
Morris the cat, in a retired actors home
I Intercepted this from an Underground Audio Newspaper. The reporter swears it s all true,
although I myself never knew animals could talk........
Watching Morris the Cat using a walker was shock enough, but when he spoke, it got scary, he said,
"My owner, that guy, he's sitting on a beach sucking down a cocktail with a little umbrella in it, And i m here, me, i m the one who ate that canned shit for 20 years, this is my reward. Ain t exactly Nirvana ok? My golden years, yea, real golden when one of the residents pisses in place, very appealing.
He had me fixed, took my gonads, I mean c mon, other animals notice that, so he says, Mr. Financial Wizard, Mr. I CAN FIX Anything, he will have the vet put ball bearings inside so it appears I'm all intact, all man. Ball Bearings? I'll look atrophied, like I took steroids, how about ping pong balls, give them a nice hard youthful look.
Here Take a look, Mr.Reporter, furry, strong, give em a tug, give a strong tug, look at them, no shyness in this place, once in a while i pull one out and we have a game.
My walker? My knees are ruined. After 50 takes a day eating that food, my ass blew up like a beer keg. Or storage unit. Plus I'm diabetic.
Time for my shot, boy, that don t go easy here either, frigging nurse rams it in like she's trying hit oil or spear a giant squid.
Yikes, there s that old mouse from the film, "The Green Mile", he's like 200 years old or something, always talking about the roaring 20's, Al Capone, the depression, blimp travel, he scares the IAM S outta me".
Yep, that s Lassie over there, she s doing poorly,she s got eye problems, she ain t dragging Timmy out of no raging river, she can t see the frigging river. She s led around by Rin Tin Tin, talk about the hind leading the hind, hind leading the hind, yes, Rin TinTin has colon problems, he is forever having his anal glands evacuated, that s gotta be fun huh, man run for cover, get a drop cloth, hand out plastic shields.
Dude stop dragging your ass on the concrete.
Eat some fiber or something.

I went to see Mr ED, his mind is gone, he keeps calling me Wilbur, Wilbur, or brother, brother.
I'm like "Mr. Ed, I'm not Wilbur, whoa, stop mooing, stop it, you are not a cow, you re not the
laughing cow, stop, you re not a cow, no no no, i m not gonna milk you, are you crazy or what,
for goodness sake ED, you re hung like a horse, OF COURSE".

We got the former star act killer whale here in the home; they retired him from Sea World
cause as he aged when he exerted himself he farted and the audience was overwhelmed with digust.Tell you the truth, if he wudda ripped one off as he went through the rings of fire,
MY MY NOW THAT WUDDA BEEN A SPECTACULAR.........
We have a pig that did some film work; poor guy, I think he had swine flu that developed intodementia, he actually put his foot into an electric socket. They hadda remove it; i was like whoa don t just toss it, pork roll, BLT'S on rye. NO?
We have a russian bear here that actually wrestled Castro. He was told he hadda lose or he d be in Siberia. He said Castro antagonized him with foul cigar smoke and with a shaggy beard that smelled of rat droppings. He said Castro was like 75 and still wearing fatigues like he was in the field, what a farce,while his country starved, he watch baseball on a satellite dish, ate multi-flavored frozen yogurt, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
Stress ruined our bear friend. He simply takes a dump without knowing it. How does he deal with it? Depends. It's true. Either he wears a depends diaper or goes bareback and shits in the rec room right in the middle of 4 corners bingo.
We have the snake from that movie, the big snake, he 's bi-polar; one day he rubs against all the other residents, the next he eats the file clerk. They threw his ass in assisted living; actually Hank's Reptile World in New Jersey, I'm sure that glass case must be fun. Slithering there, stinking up a storm, while kids stare,knuckle the glass. Eat that big fella.
The tv chihuahua is here, basically he spends all day humping his squeeze toy and talking to it.I heard him in his Spanish accent, "you like this, you like it, you want more, of course, oh hello Morris,look, see my woman, I please her, I do the twisty, the corkscrew, the wheelbarrel", we go all night. I told him "yo marimba maniac , it s a squeeze toy, of course it s always pleased.", He said "watch, I gonna musto gusto my senorita and hang from the chandellier."
Which I took as my cue to leave.
Tonight the senior citizens are coming by to see us;
If one more of them old bastards pulls my whiskers, tries to wind my tail, or press the wetness outta my nose, I'm gonna switch all their pills, watch thrm drop like flies as we play musical chairs.
You will notice I have a bad front paw; I lie sometimes to female cats and tell them it happened when I beat up the Taliban or stole the North.Koreans nuclear plans or when I led an assault on a pet shop,but truthfully, I was digging in my backyard years ago and cut it on metal. Whatever nutty bastard lived there before us, buried his hamster,cage and all. What a jackass. I not only ripped my paw, but the sight of that decaying hamser and cage lives in my nightmares forever
(If you see me sleeping and my legs are moving fast, shit, I'm having that same ongoing dream of the dead, rotted, flesh melting, grinning hamster, spinning his wheel, propelling his cage, chasing me, his water tube dripping blood and his cedar chips firing off like small, urine-laced missles).
I hate Hamsters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TALK TO YOU SOON, MORRIS