WHEN I WAS SECURITY AT A HILLBILLY WEDDDING
I Got an emergency call from Billy Bob, he needed me and Running Deer to help provide
security at his cousin Calamity Jane's wedding to Bradley "Jimbo" Wheatley; OH GREAT.
I had seen them both around; Jane was some type of hillbilly cowgirl and Bradley
resembled a leprechaun in training; should be on a box of Lucky Charms. Gre------attttttt.
We got to Calamity's folks house, and all was set. Lotta space, multi-colored grass,
nice double wide trailor; there were many guests, tables and chairs, a buffet catered by Possum
Pete's Emporium, lotsa decorations, and a preacher who was dressed as if he d just left
the Magical Mystery Tour.. OKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Jane and Bradley were a blushing virgin couple,this despite they fact they d had about
12 previous marriages between them (not sure if half-siblings count). So, the festivities started,
and immediately Running Deer and I noticed 2 things; we were the only ones not packing firearms,
and because of that fact,we needed to give some friendly, efficient advice,
so no casulties were incurred during the reception.
I spoke to Calamity's folks, telling them...
A sign stating, "Cross this threshold and I ll blow off your face" is
Not as appropriate as a Welcome Mat.
Liquor and heavy machinery don t mix; leave the Stump till after the reception.
When a wedding is held in your Backyard you must tell the guests 3 things
Where the sink holes are......... Where you keep the dogs ................. Where Uncle Rufus is buried…
People’s names go on the place cards, Peter, Susan, John, or Mary; the
Place cards should not read, SIT HERE, you Lazy Bastard, you Heartbreaking Tramp...
Mr. Softie or Slut On Board.
Never ask your guests to Fondue something that is Still Alive
Showing your other daughter's honeymoon video is a no-no, even if it
Is the one where the Bellboy joins in.
So the vows were exchanged, something about never exchanging gun fire over bowling scores,
sharing the deer's heart equally, and the feast began. Speaking of which, I thought the
choices of reception entrees were chicken or fish, not something that was bled out that afternoon.
To fix that possible problem, Running Deer had brought a pocket full of loose change,
so that everyone could enjoy a full 6 course meal at the Trailer Park's Vending Machines.
Running Deer and I advised several guests ..
Listen friend; At the salad bar, if you bite a hunk of cheese and disapprove of it, that's fine,
But leave… it….. On Your Plate.
They have Tongs available for a reason.
When the waiter asks you to pick a crayfish, he means Point to it, not Dive In the tank
For it.
Leave your Pet Snake at home, watching him eat a Mouse doesn’t t enhance
Anyone’s appetite, least of all the Mouse's.
Your sleeve may work just fine, but use the Napkin.
Billy Bob was no help; once in a fancy restaurant, he threw coins in the Bidet
and made a wish. Jackass.
Suddenly a man drove up in an old banged up truck; Billy Bob explained this
was Jesse, um, well, just outta jail. Oh-Oh..........I went to him, smiled, told
him simply, "Jesse,you don t catch the garter, you don t try to catch the garter,
actually when they throw the garter, I want you under a table". Jesse was
scared, he d used expired coupons at the store and thought maybe that
violated his parole. He had food on his mouth, he said he had been hungry
in the store. We figured he d had a peanut or some grapes, turns out this
bastard ate a can of pork+beans. He also asked if Summers Eve was a
new salad dressing. Jesse was a problem. His hands were covered with
chilblains, and he explained that was cause he worked in the prison laundry;
hmmmmmmm why not wear gloves, I mean, there must have been some
very unidentifiable and downright disgusting shit on them prisoner's clothes.
Seems Jesse was boycotting gloves, since he d worn them during his
robbery and got caught anyways. But he was a new man, in the store,
some dude was in the express lane with 16 items, and the old Jess wudda
gagged the guy and tied him to the roof of the truck. Jess joined the
festivities.
The band played on; they were a combination of, I Think, rock, country,techno,
shmucko, disco, classical, metal, punk, they gave off the sound of tortured creatures in hell.
The group, The Wheatcracker Specials, played a tribute song to Jane,
titled "The Ballad of Boot Hill------billy" and then, amazingly played "Danny Boy"
for the groom via banjo, spoons, and knuckle cracks. Not exactly the Irish
Tenors, but hey!!!!!!
I was just glad the bridesmaids decided to make seperate trips to the dance floor;
since they actually buckled the patio during "Thriller". When they hit the pond in tandem
i was waiting for the tsunami warning siren to go off.
We were warned of gate-crashing lodge brothers; these were easily spotted
as they were the only ones kissing the bride open-mouthed while lifting up her gown.
Running Deer and I agreed on the food and gifts; first of all sparrows don t taste
just like chicken, secondly Don t register the bride with Critter Stuff;
we doubt a Bison tongue will serve any purpose in the Boudoir.
We were taken out back to see their summer place, and it was encouraging to see
that the rope up to the tree house was new and strong.
Suddenly the bride threw her bouquet, Jess yelled "pull" and skeet shot it;
we grabbed him and locked him in the root cellar.
Billy Bob was seeking out a condom machine, till we explained that it means more
if you actually have a date. Billy had noticed an unexpected guest, his niece/former fiancee,
Tulip, she was a Shooter's Girl, no not a Hooter's Girl, a Shooter's girl, and along with
ending global warming, fixing the econony , saving the insects, and looking good in postage stamp
sized bikini, she also had just been upgraded to the second shift at Dairy Queen. Quite the catch;
But................she was dating Pan, yes, Pan, lead singer of the Wheatcracker Specials.
As the booze had flowed, we got them apart and I was alone with Pan.
Pan's real name was Stumpy, he called himself Pan, not over the creature in Greek mythology,
but after the word pan--ache, which though he couldn t pronounce it, seemed, to him, to fit
his personality. OKKKKKKKKK Pan had so may piercings on his face it kinda resembled the birth of an
extension bridge; he picked up his shirt, more piercings and was about to drop his pants,
but I stopped him short, explaining some things, were better left to the imagination. Or nightmares.
He could see I was perplexed, I just told him, "forgive me, but I never woke up and decided that to
express my personal freedom I d go and have a railroad spike driven through my scrotum sac."
He told me the many merits, but i interrupted telling him, "that s all fine, ok, but my genitals are private property
as it were, no way i m sitting down while some balding guy with a long ponytail and a Che t shirt
has at my jewels armed with only a hole puncher, alcohol bottle and butterfly bandage.
Not f---g now, not f--g for eternity."
Pan had to go play the finale, an original composition that
seemed like a mixture of Gregorian Chant, Oriental melodies, forced work songs and cats
with their paws caught in something.
So I sat and relaxed.
As the sun set, the gathering was mostly drunk and/or asleep. Running Deer, as usual, had secured
some 16 phone numbers from various ladies, and Billy Bob, wonder of wonders, had talked 2 girls into
working on his internet site, "old geezers, young teasers", and also secured a date with Mabel Trueberry,
the only 40 year old great-grandmother in these parts. We gathered up everyone's car keys,
firearms, etc.,checked the perimeter, and set to exit.
Jesse, it seems, had smoked some of the roots growing in the cellar and emerged from it stark
naked except for a branch garland, calling himself Baby New Year for all years, screaming he wished
not to rob, but to share, to share his essence, his gifts, his seed, that last statement was the cue to
knock him out and head to the nearest E.R. Quite the experience in Jaxassville.















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Thursday, August 7, 2008
6:20:05 PM EDT Feeling Adventurous Edit Entry Delete Entry
A TRIP TO THE VETS
A TRIP TO THE VETS"
(accompanied by my friend Running Deer Alvarez and also the revolting Billy Bob Von Lum)
Marie was upset because Thunder the collie was acting listless and fatigued. Nana said he was constipated from lack of olive oil in his diet.
I figured maybe he just was worn out from killing and eating things, but well, ok, i would take him to the vet. I was playing stickball with the guys; first Billy Bob hit Running Deer in the head with 4 straight pitches, then when he was batting, Billy Bob swung, let go of the bat and hit me in the kneecap, then finally Running Deer hit the tennis ball like a rocket into Billy Bob's mouth,the fuzz from the tennis ball actually coated his teeth, making them more appealing.When we play sports the inept, out of control Billy Bob always hurts either myself or Running Deer, so this time we called a halt to the festivities.
Billy Bob said he had a relative who was a vet;,loaded, um caged in, the hound from Hades, um, Thunder in the animal control van, and set to leave . Nana came out with Puss N Boots, her ancient cat; said he needed a checkup, what he really needed was to find the fountain of youth or 27 more cat lives or maybe a witch with working spells. Nana insisted, actually she coughed, sneezed, sniffed,wretched, and we took the wizened Puss N Bootswith us. Truth is, there are only 3 creatures Thunder would not harm; my wife Marie, Puss N Boots, and Nana (although that s not a definite).
Once as Nana was stirring puree+listening to one of her frigging talking books, Thunder grabbed the wig right off her head and ate it,leaving her in curlers, oblivious as she listened to Norseman sacking a village. That made for an interesting pooper scooper adventure.
So off we went, and I started to worry when we took a dirt road way off the main drag. We came to a clearing, sort of a clearing, fallen trees, moss, small pools of putrid liquids, broken fences, cracked or murdered garden gnomes(some hung, decapitated, burned, covered with honey+ants), and a small stand of creatures in jars or frozen in state;
Welcome to Boggy Creek I thought.
Running Deer got out, looked about, checked his shoes, and a bald really ugly dude came out of the bushes,with a slingshot saying, "we were on private property". The guy's smell permeated the entire area, I was actually wishing PussNBoots would take a dump and refresh the air. Running Deer said if this is the vet let's just shoot Thunder ourselves.
No, according to Billy Bob this was the vet's half sister's son, Rufus; a lad who unfortunately had never advanced out of the tadpole stage.Rufus showed his kills; a chipmunk, a squirrel, a hamster, a sparrow, a cricket, a frigging preying mantis. A man in a white coat came out of A shack, and said he was Dr. Oglethorpe. Rufus kept faking at us with the slingshot, Oglethorpe welcomed us, called Billy Bob cuz, and apologized for Rufus' antics, explaining he hadn t cooked long enough in the womb and that the evolution train had passed him by.. He was a breech birth, they hadda use rope to pull him out.
Rufus laid in the dirt, the doc approached the van, and Thunder went nuts. The whole van shook. When Thunder flecked his muscles the vet didn t have a needle to penetrate him. Hmmmm. Believe it or not, Puss N Boots made an attempt at purring and the strange sound he emitted actually calmed Thunder down, he relaxed, took the sedative, and tried to escape and kill Rufus. While we waited for the drug to work, we went into the shack.. Simply one big room, with a big table, computer, and Dr. Oglethorpe said he could provide creamation for my cat, until i explained Puss N Boots was still alive; then he mistook Puss N Boots for a mechanical cat, checked for batteries, till Running Deer grabbed my cat and put him in his coat, explaining, "let s leave him alone and worry about the collie ok? "
Running Deer ask the doc where he studied, and he answered Upper Mesa Mexico College. Billy Bob interrupted and said it didn t matter though cause his cuz was awarded his degree online. We were about to exit when we heard insane loud yelping, barking, and the doc said he had "12 bitches in heat in the back kennels".
Rufus who had entered, grinned the grin of the damn, drooled and said "I like bitches in heat", till Oglethorpe told him,
"dogs, we are talking about dogs Rufus."
Running Deer and I agreed, this Rufus guy probably had genetic material that included webbed feet and fur, and we re thinking, this dude, "forgetbout it", they shoulda never tied off his bellybutton.
AND IT GOT WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oglethorpe sent me out with some gravy boat looking thing to get a urine sample from Thunder.
He wanted a full panel.
Rufus asked if he could have a full panel as his wee wee felt tickly and sensitive..
Running Deer told him to dunk it into a fondue pot and it would relieve those symptoms.....
I went alone.
Thunder was uncooperative; he circled till I got dizzy, he pissed on my leg, on the ground, i kept trying to place the bowl under him, kick it to the side, push it left, right, make it a target, but he missed always. A poor turtle came over, popped out his head, and received a golder shower, thing is probably 100 years old and gets whizzed on. Tragic.
When I had a small amount, I returned inside and into a conversation between Billy Bob and Oglethorpe. it seemed Rufus was named after his daddy, but his daddy's name was really Sparky and unfortunately he' d been simply borrowing Rufus Sr's overalls when he did the deed; in the back of a rental truck. Young Rufus still had post tramatic flashbacks whenever he heard grinding gears.
Sparky, Rufus' s real dad fathered 12kids. Wow that dude was so virile he could fertilize a plastic egg. Why stop at 12?
Oglethorpe explained Rufus was 12th, and as he was no prize, everybody figured the next one might pop out with feelers or gills or a blowhole, so, end it. Rufus had a job retrieving balls at the driving range, i figured he drove in a little armored car, or at least wore protection, but Billy Bob, ever the realist asked, "Where on him could they do any more damage?" . He told how after taking a golf ball to the earhole, Rufus could sing Prince's Greatest hits and recite the Gettysburg Address. Maybe, just maybe if he took one in the temple, he could name the next day's winning lottery numbers.
I shook my head and showed the doc my meager catch; he explained, he needed more, and that I needed to help Thunder, I needed to position his member for him; I said "hey doc, he s my dog, I like him, but I ain't doing that, you can feel free to steer it, aim it, frigging crank it for all I care, but I ain't". He offered me rubber gloves. I told him "you ve probably done this before, I don t care if you wear gloves, long press on nails, a catcher's mitt, or a frigging hawk glove, have at it, cause I like thunder but I ain t grabbing him by his Old Man. Capisce! Get it?". The doc was explaining how he went online seeking medical answers, till Running Deer said "that site is lesbians in bondage!!". Oglethorpe responded. "and they don t deserve the finest in medical help? You got your rope burns, chain marks, whip bruises, assorted things being tugged and twisted; Running Deer and I walked away, digusted with the freak,
Billy Bob of course looked and said his new photography series "old geezers, young teasers" could fit in perfectly there.
The doc went into the bathroom and screamed at the top of his lungs "this floor is soaking wet, soaking,Rufus, Rufus, Ru-Fus I ve told you to close the lid after you take a drink. Now I was ready to exit, but Running Deer asked,
why must the lid be down, to which Oglethorpe explained, "well,I prefer to remain seated during all bathroom visits."
Now we both ran. Right into a smirking Rufus; he held a picture, i knew the picture, I checked my wallet, it was gone, he showed it to me, he said "Pretty lady", as he held Marie's Picture; I went for him. Oglethorpe tried to stop me, Running Deer told him gently, "when the scarf s wife is involved, you have 2 options, get out of the way, or get to a phone and make sure your burial plot is ready. Rufus dropped the wallet, said to me,I'll hurt you", then i kicked his legs out, he fell on the floor, i grab my valuables, took the gun out of my pants and put it in his mouth.
Time stood still..
I told him, the next sound you hear will be your bowels as they seize, loosen and evacuate. From the side came an unearthly bodily sound that had it occurred in the lake would have cause a fishkill of historic proportions. Amazingly, it came out of Billy Bob, who said he was very stressed out, was in shock, and plus had eaten an entire tin of Pringles Cajun Chips. As Rufus ran off, I showed Billy the water gun; i only brought it to wake up Puss n boots or calm down Thunder. Although water, actually any form of hygiene would probably upset Rufus, who smelled like a concoction of rotted teeth, rotten eggs, a slaughter house, and certain types of hair dye.
More intense noise, Oglethorpe yelled, "it s rufus, he s released the hounds". The hordes of dogs raced thru the building, outside and into the van..Where for the next 3 hours, amidst great shaking and rattling, Thunder serviced all of them. Oglethorpe asked me if Thunder had eaten pork and i had to confess he ate a whole pig; the pig got out, wandered by the dog house, all i found was a hoof, a piece of snout, and some tail. Oglethorpe forbade Thunder to ever eat pork again, gave me some pills, and charged me $1300.
That included expert analysis, the pork discovery, and Thunder's female companionship.
Plus Oglethorpe doesnt drive so he needed a new mountain bike and radio flyer wagon to pull Rufus in. So all was settled. I grabbed Puss N Boots out of a Rufus Jar (where the cat napped next to a long dead frog), watched Thunder fall over into a fatigue sleep, and we set to leave. Billy Bob was on the phone; he told me "I was in trouble for pulling the gun on Rufus and he had his uncle, the politician or judge, on thphone". The trust I have in politicians and judges is the same trust I have in letting a baboon pilot a blimp, so I was antsy.
I, the Scarf cannot draw attention to myself, or get arrested, etc. but Billy Bob, rat that he is, had asolution; I had to be his deputy on hard jobs, follow his orders, and I would be paid cash. Shit..............Running Deerand I seriously considered putting him and his entire clan in the Rufus jars, but, cooler heads prevailed.
I said okay only if Running Deer could be one also; Billy Bob agreed, so we were sworn in over the phone,and our badges would be arriving shortly.
We started the van, suddenly Rufus came out of the bushes and was slingshoting at us, till he fell into a sinkhole;Oglethorpe arrived, looked down into the hole, said, "This is kinda like Rufus' Timeout period, he 's fine, sorta likehe's back in the womb". I told Running Deer to floor the van, but Oglethorpe exclaimed, "I got an new DVD, "Strip Van Winkle", yum yum, nude bowling, nude sleeping, nude everything, very intense." Billy Bob hoppedfrom the van, told us to leave and yelled to Oglethorpe, "and as a backup we can re-visit the always popular"Vulva Vixens from Venus". Running Deer and I exited the frigging menagerie just as Rufus, the de-evolving hatchling exploded forth from the hole and off to Movie Night with Billy Bob+Familia. Chow freakos.Written by bskleros Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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5:59:04 PM EDT Feeling Loopy Edit Entry Delete Entry
A SONG-"BUTT CRACKS ON PARADE"
It seems no matter what store I enter, someone is crouching down, and their butt crack is peeking out, greeting me, what the heck is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Without even trying, I ve seen more butt cracks and thongs than a lingerie photographer.
So I've composed an ode to this new form of communication ("greetings"),
identification ("oh there's Sally in frozen foods"),
and information ("that's a size 8 encased in a size 2").......
"BUTT CRACKS ON PARADE" (SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "UNFORGETTABLE")
Butt cracks on parade
they bend and sway,
all colors, shape, and size
they fill your day
Just go into any sto---------re
you ll view one butt crack, than three more
all ages you see,
nineteen to fifty-threeeeeee
Some are very sweet,
some seem forlorn.
some of them sprout stuff
you shuck off corn
why is there so much
hair
there------
get a waxing, use some nair
if your rump it must be
bare
in the aisle
OH
Butt cracks on parade
unleashed by low hanging pants
i try not to stare,
as they take their stance
I m here to seek out
a canned ham
a jar of jam
a tasty leg of lamb
not an ass about TO burst from it's dam