THE SCARF IN CHINA-----DON 'T DRINK THE MILK

Let's stay topical-THE SCARF IN CHINA-Don't drink the milk

THE SCARF'S ADVENTURE IN CHINA" or
DON T DRINK THE MILK......WHY? IT'S SPOILED. YUCK

So I go to china; I stow food and water in my pack, I get off the plane, I stretch, show my passport, and they tell me all the places "I can't go". Great. I must remember this is China, you can t draw on the Great Wall, you can t play handball against it, and if Humpty Dumpty sat on it, they'd nuke his yolk filled ass off of it and into an omelet. I go to the ministry of exports and we talk, well I talk, they bullshit me. I tell them their fish has so much lead in it, you can use it to to write a letter, do a crossword puzzle or a frigging essay on "Pollution".

They disagree.
I explain that after using their toothpaste, your tooth brush glows in the dark.
They ignore me.
Their back scratchers are hazardous, they go straight through to the users kidney.
The red in their candy canes, actually moves, what the heck, what is that mercury? Red dye #612?
They have a doll and it s hair is obviously asbestos. I wouldn t give you a Peking penny for that.

They tell me I am over-reacting. They tell me to relax and give me a toy, that thing you put your index fingers into and they stick; ok, I try it, I get stuck, they laugh, and the thing bursts into flames. I scream, they kill the fire with tepid tea, and explain the fire aspect "lends more competition" to the game. They say I am an alarmist. And that my fingers will heal.
Soon.

They take me to a farm. There is a 800 pound pig on the farm. Suddenly, he stubs his hoof and sewage water pours out of him till he weighs about 500 and change. Their cattle is so antibiotic filled that if you have a rare chinese steak, instead of blood, tetracycline drips out. They offer me a can of soup, there is a hare in my soup, i mean a hare, a dead, long eared, fuzzy tailed rabbit, and I ask them, I thought this soup was "Italian Wedding"? They tell me I got the one with the special prize which means I win a case. I decline.
They wanted me to lunch with them, sea turtle stew, and I was to pick my own entree. I look in the tank, the turtles are jumping off little diving boards, swimming playfully, staring at me with forlorned eyes, shit, I can t pick which one to boil. No way. I go in my backpack and eat my own stuff.

I manage to sneak off on my own, I enter a large warehouse/food store, and I see "YIKES"!!!!!!!!
They have a lady at the food sampler table and she's wearing a respirator. I'll pass on the fried wontons, thank you. Their canned fruit peeks through the can, appearing as if it would burst forth and overgrow everything living thing like a Stephan King nightmare.
I see water coolers marked A and B. Comrade Woo explains to me, that cooler A,the clean fresh water, is used to cool the equipment and wash uniforms, while the murky B cooler, complete with sediment, slime and unidentifiable organisms, is for drinking, bathing, etc. Comrade Woo says it s all the same stuff, it has no adverse effects, to which I had to respond, "Come on pal, no effects, you're sporting a raised, raw, angry birthmark that seems to require nourishment and apparently covers the area from the crown of your head to your balls".

I was able to bribe Comrade Woo with American cigarettes, a copy of Windows XP software, and a DVD entitled "Thai Schoolgirls Gone Berserk", and he gave it all up. He admitted that the wet green lumpy stuff in a particular vat was either old cottage cheese or new mortar, depending on who paid the most. He said their food tasters were all anti-government types who volunteered (wink, wink) to guinea pig new products. They taste tested a lot of raw fish, I'd rather be in a maze and take my chances with the moldy cheese. He brought forth a topless lady who had used their beauty cream; her boobs were so stretched out they looked like participants in a county fair's Taffy Pull. Another's were so pitted I figured she was a stand-in at the dart toss.

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told him about the incident involving the urinating Chinese doll, Baby Tinkle Winkle; somehow a doll found it s way to New York, and when it made wee wee, the yellow liquid came out at roughly the same temperature as lava, thereby burning through 6 floors, the street, and damaging an underground subway car. If it came out of the other end, it would been "hot shit" no?
But. I digress
In their foodstore, there is an aisle for slightly damaged items, (slightly damaged meaning no top on the bottle, the left side of box missing, or a can so crushed it looks like a tiny frisbee). The checkout with the skull and crossbones light handles all those items. I'm thinking to myself, these people actually could kill the frigging Frankenstein monster. Without really trying.
They have a diet mixture they swear by. They have this peasant guy in a glass booth, and they claim in 30 days he'd lost 430 pounds. He is living proof. And no side effects. Well, I was there 12 hours and the whole time he was entranced by a piece of string somebody gave him; he talked to it, tugged on it, whispered to it, sat on it, chewed on it,stuck it up his nose, stuck it up his ass, stomped it,cursed it, kissed it, pulled it, stared at it, hmmmmmmobviously, very obviously, some brain involved side effects from the diet product; maybe they can call it The Village Idiot's Diet.

Comrade Woo, who hails from Moo Shu For You province, is scheduled to work on autos the Chinese will be exporting; oh that should be great.Frigging great. If the seat belts don t strangle you or the gear shift spike up and impale you, feel free to breathe in the lovely air-freshener,a combo of mandarin orange scent and crop dusting chemicals. Then you run over a frog and the car simply disintergrates.

In his house he has items from Sudan, a great trading partner of the Chinese, comrade Woo showed me these; One was a rubik's cube like device that used letters not colors and no matter which way you turned them it spelled jihad, Another was a Jack in the Box ripoff that played "Arabian Nights" Music and enemies from the West pop up and their heads fall off. Comes with 640 assorted heads, that s a lotta enemies.
Then Woo sang me a song the Chinese ambassador to Sudan had heard; Woo translated it into English and said it took off in China with a bullet to the top of the charts. It had nearly outsold Chairman Mao's version of "Old Man River".

It was sung to the tune of "My Kind of Town"
my kind of town
Khartoum is
its not ka-boom or cartoon
its Khartoum
my kind of people
too
people who, make much trade
with you
and
each time i hail
back to khartoum
more dissidents in jail
gotta love khartoum
one town
that ll put you in the ground
that s my kinda town.

I had had about enough of Comrade Woo, but he wanted to share with me, the radioactive Bay of the People, near his home.It s where all their costume jewelry was dipped, that way it never tarnishes. All the plant life shimmers like it's a Fiber Optic Display. Whoa. Perhaps we need not venture too close.I thought my eyes were acting up as I saw a buoy moving closer,till i realized it was a jelly fish, and Chinese army guys blasted it with lasers, bombs, grenades; I had 2 thoughts, one, these people really do put on some fireworks displays, wow,and two, I gotta get my skinny ass outta here before some gamma/beta ray hermit crab pulls me into his shell.
We met up with party officials, and they took me to visit the latest addition to their panda family. The red chinese are basically bored, they basically do 4 things; have sex, ride bikes (same motion involved), look after their Ming vases, and suck up to them f---g Pandas; f--g Ling Ling, Wing Ping, Ping Pong, Fon-gool. Actually the creature was nice, so I slipped him a Ring Ding, he liked it.

I was ready to depart, I shook hands, showed my documents, got on a boat, got horribly seasick and fell asleep for many hours. When I awoke, my feet were bare, thieves had taken my footwear, so they gave me Chinese sneakers and socks; the socks were so rough, I tore a toenail off and the sneakers so thin, that they ripped when i stepped on a piece of ice. Speaking of rough, their toilet paper would be better served as foundation for a house.
I switched boats and wound up on a ferry. NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL.
The ferry sign said "occupancy by over 67 is hazardous", hmmmmmmmm there was about 2200 aboard. And that didn t include the 1500 who were in "economy" that is, lashed to the sides of the boat. You know you re in trouble when the crew is wearing scuba gear. One guy in a rowboat could cause a wake that would capsize this ferry. I asked the captain "where the lifeboats were?", and when he honestly answered, "what is a lifeboat?", I quickly checked around for floatation devices;and all I could find was 4 life preservers shedding stuffing, 3 pairs of swimmees, 2 blowup dolls, and a fake plastic ass. SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT

THE LIFE+POSSIBLE DEMISE OF THE EVIL BENNY AQUA
The Life and Death (Debatable) of the evil Benny Aqua
Here is truly a man for no seasons, the late, although hardly missed, Benny, don t call me Bernard, Aqua
He of the heavy, sagging, coarse face, and constant scowl that looked like a clenched fist..He had a toilet seat head, no hair in the middle, all of it around the perimeter, and in the back it was long, long, like a horse's tail. We felt he was a variation on Mr Potatoe Head, that is, Mr Turd Head, complete with undigested items serving as his eyes, nose, and ears.
He had a squat, thick body, from constantly lifting weights, barbells, microwaves, lawn furniture,uprooting trees by hand, he cleaned and jerked his mother once till we begged him to "put her down and mind her walker".

He was the most obnoxious, contempt filled bastard ever to soil the earth.
Myself, Serge and he went to a sports bar once;
Benny had 2 sandwiches, 4 beers, a chocolate mousse cake, plus a broiled chicken entree to go
Serge had a sandwich and coffee
I had a coke
Benny asked, "so we split the bill 3 ways right, easy, fair?"
I asked him if he was f-g insane...........
When he came to your house, shit would flake off his scalp to such an extent, that you d have to vacuum the floor,some sort of volcanic dandruff eruption.
He had ESP...............eczema, seboria, and psoriasis, he could foretell without question that his scaly patches would pollute the earth
Then he d floss in your bathroom, and by the time he cleaned out his frigging prehistoric carnivore, frigging masterdon, diamond cracking, square thick teeth, your mirror would resemble a smorgasboard for hyenas.

This ia a guy who was 1/64 Native American and thought he should own one of their Casinos.
He'd say he was neither a borrower nor lender, then hit me up for a Triple Sawbuck
like I even knew what the f---k that was.
Here's a guy, would have a tip jar whether he was the CEO at a major corporation
or a guard at a prisoner of war camp. Had one at every job he had, and let s be honest
he had many, gee whiz a great dude like him couldn t keep one? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

And it got much worse.
His family owned a little cafe, a little grill, and he'd stand there, scowling, in his frayed pants, his greasy hair and stained baseball cap seemingly one piece, and while scratching his oversized nuts ask, " fix ya something?" I know he had oversized nuts, because one time,over lunch, he made me throw up my chick peas and pasta, by telling me he possessed an anaconda sized penis complete with a dense forest of pubic hair and testicles that resembled burlap bags.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

That was the first of many times that I pulled a gun on him.
Most of the meat for his grill came off the back of a truck and included a wide variety of species.
He killed time by either spitting on the grill, watching it sizzle or.putting something alive in the french fry cooker. He.stared silently right thru men customers and buried his frog eyes into the sexual parts of women. ....His food and drink were lousy.
He answered peoples complaints, as such,
"If you want strong coffee go to f--g Hondorus......
The catsup is fresh, just remove the thick solidified stalagmite piece out of the bottle.
The meat is very fatty and grizzly, of course it is, it actually helps it cook better.
You asked for a grilled cheese.....and tomatoe.........you didn t specify together"
The only time he cleaned the counter was when people were already eating, and the spray would go in their plates, on their glasses,
OBNOXIOUS BASTARD HE WAS.\His family owned a game of chance on the boardwalk, "Knock 'Em Down" and the milk crates were so lead filled that never mind a softball, a frigging bazooka could not knock em down; it might tilt them a bit, but not down. They didn t give out a prize for over 30 years. .

He came to my home when my dad passed away; he asked what killed my pops, I answered "peanuts"
He said, "Allergic reaction?"
I told him, "No, my dad thought he could fly and he jumped off a building and landed on a hot peanut vendor. When they gave me his ashes the peanut smell was so overwhelming I thought I was at the circus."

We had received a lot of food for my dad's service and I told Benny to help himself to a sandwich; the shitbird brought 4 shopping bags and filled them with turkey, roast beef, cappicola, provelone, egg salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, potatoe chips, pretzels, dip, multi colored pasta, the f---k actually was about to add clothes detergent, dishwashing liquid, and our blender.

As I yelled at him, he mentioned he own recently deceased dad, Penny "cheap bastard" Aqua.
HMMMMMMM.....according to the newspaper Penny had died of natural causes;
that is if hanging upsidedown from a tree with a holly stake thru your heart is natural.
He was not buried or creamated but as per his wishes, was taken out to sheepshead bay and cut into chum.
Benny would visit your house, bring a single bottle of soda, ask "if you had any candy or cookies or danish or donuts or layer cake or cracker jack", and then, when he left, take the 1/6 of a bottle of remaining soda with his useless ass.

We went to a mall once, and in a candy store, he asked to try approximately 96 differant flavors of jellybean when they woman stated he couldn t try them all; he nastily answered I didn t want to try them all. She knew the truth as did I, you already went through cherry, cherry vanilla, vanilla bean, bubblegum, cotton candy, chili pepper, you certainly did you venemous turd.
We went into an piano/organ store and he sat and played something that induced nausea; actually drove browsers from the store, he told me "I call this Interlude, I told him I called it frigging hideous. A raccoon made purer notes.

I operated a video store for a while, as a gambling front, and he d come in and bother me; people actually mistook him for a horror standee, you know, a cardboard monster advertisement. One Halloween, when he rented as his father as a ghoul, Benny asked me what he himself should go as,I thought for a sec, said, got a great idea, take off your clothes, stick your legs out, put a faucet between your breasts and go as a TUB OF SHIT.....
He would open his fat mouth, bragging to people about his success at bedding welfare mothers, his abilty to eat strange organisms like june bugs+angelfish, the fact that he needed to use a metal garbage can lid as a protective cup for sports,and during the summer he d rent out his driveway to tourists, he d rent them beach chairs, umbrellas, his father's oxygen tanks, anything. I saw the idiot once cut his entire lawn by swinging a sickle; hey sicko buy a mower.
Cheap bastard.He built a dog fence using only driftwood and fallen trees he could find , it took him 13 years, by the time he was done the dog had been dead for 2 years. He d re-pave his driveway using a cup of tar at a time, and the fool would actually put up little flags to not walk on it.

The family, yes the family, got him a telemarketing job once, sellinglife insurance; his pitch was
"How old are you, you gonna live forever? "
"HELP THOSE WHO REMAIN BEHIND selfish old wizened fart"............
"Are u just senile, buy this, or, I'll come and get you,; count on it"
Benny was never very subtle.

Next, he sold lawn grass.
His pitch was:
"This grass will grow anywhere.......i don t care if you, have no lawn, this stuff grows on concrete slabs. grows on tin it will grow on top of a raging fire. I will throw in 160 pet urines spots, what, no pets, well, get one, you need the companionship. Your neigbors all talk about your lawn, they mock it. they told me, your lawn is where old shit goes to break down. Yes they all said that."
Benny hated porn ,had no need for it, as he had a harem (or so he fantasized, ugly f--k)
but he certainly circled his calendar on 2 for 1 day. Plus tried to use a coupon, to get a extra one.
I told him only 2 ,so he, Mr non-porn opted for Fudge Pack to the Future and ASIAN Schooltramps #6. Asswipe.
In the video store he d constantly identify actors through their movies, he 'd say "oh you mean, "James "The Presidents Daughter" Woods? Or Harrison "Witness" Ford? Or "Sally "Norma Rae" Fields?" And then Benny would laugh like the insane character portrayed by Robert "Cape Fear" de Niro.

The only person who Benny was kinda leery of was a daily customer, THE MAJOR. Not sure where THE MAJOR held his rank, not sure if it had to do with the military or college or constellations. Before he even entered the video store you could smell THE MAJOR'S hair tonic as it sat on thin, whispy hair, sprouting from a scalp that seemed to have a constant sunburn. His eyelids were 99% closed, he had a pointed puppet nose, with maroon colored lips, pale though blotchy cheeks, hairless arms, and a turkey gizzard neck. He wore khaki pants, and always, day after day, no matter the weather, a thin white cotton shirt, with no t-shirt, revealing moist, pink, glistening skin resembling a freshly skinned rabbit. And finishing the overall effect was the possibility that his shirt would split under the pressure of his seemingly perpetually erect nipples. As he moved left or right, they seemed to reach out to you. He scared Benny; um....I think he was harmless, but unsettling.....

The clincher was when THE MAJOR was asking about new movies and stated, "I'm looking for material featuring James"OnceUpon a Time in America" Woods or Harrison "Patriot Games" Ford or maybe Sally "Mrs. Doubtfire" Fields.Benny freaked, he whispered to me, "He knows my thoughts, he 's a warlock." I tried to explain a warlock would probably have leather seats in his car as opposed to crappy cloth, but Benny kept at it.. THE MAJOR was spouting to me, in agitation, that the movie he just returned, "was supposed to be 96 minutes, but was only 91, I checked twice".

I felt like I was losing control. I was trapped between them. To the right, Benny in his tight pants, his trans Atlantic pipeline predominately diplayed, seemingly respirating slightly like a rodent filled python, and to the left, THE MAJOR, MR. Living Waxworks with his always showcased high beam nipples bobbing and weaving at me like chaser lights. I was drowning, f--uckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkthis. I threw them both out of the store.....For good. No quarter. Fuc--k off forever.

THE MAJOR moved to Florida, where one tropical morning his simply became a human fog bank; his last words being Val "Heat" Kilmer, and his only remains being boiling hair tonic, shards of smoke house like skin, and 2 items that appeared to be chestnuts.
Benny? Well when the hit went out on me, the always loyal, aggressive, bright Benny decided to whack me and get the reward; he got two men to help him, Nick "The Juice" Hanos and Serge, the Russian. Whoops; what Bennydidnt realize is that Serge was Georgian and also a good friend of mine. Benny and his co-conspirators went to dig up clean guns, and although Serge would have stood up for me, it was un-necessary. Here is SERGE'S ACCOUNT OF
THE AFFAIR:

"So we go down to the beach and dig, well halfway through Nick "the Juice" Hanos hit a power line and looked like a burnt gyro; according to Benny, it was an acceptable loss. Suddenly the sea rushes into the hole, I jump out, Benny says,"whaddanisuppose2 do", I thought float, I mean I figured a guy who's name means water could swim, nope last thing Isaw was his heavy sagging face pulled into the whirlpool vortex, man, he went down that drain like a fucking scrubbing bubble. BLUB BLUB BLUB. Next day, there was a mass suicide of shellfish, coincedence? Who knows."
So the Scarf here figures Benny is probably gone, but a part of me knows, knows full well, that the Benny Aquas of the world can survive almost anything;
it s the cock roach in them.



THE SCARF'S TRIBUTE TO 9/11
The Scarf will think of and pray for all the victims of the attack, he will remember them and those they left behind, he will always appreciate the US men and women in foreign lands who protect him, and also their families. Thank you for your sacrifices on my behalf. Your gift to all of us is priceless, and will never be forgotten.

The Scarf will always, in his absurd way, point out the Elitists, the vain, the shallow, the egotists, those that have some much and seem to appreciate nothing, always remember, you and I are their equals, We are Citizens. You can put mansions, strong political machines, huge financial donations, glittering parties, fawning celebs, and a lauding media on ELITIST, POWER DRIVEN SWINE, and, know what...... they re still ELITIST POWER DRIVEN SWINE.


As an outside observer of politics, I still must readily
admit..........that Barack Obama has done P.T. Barnum proud...
There is indeed "a sucker born every minute",
and the smoke+mirrors have worked so well, no substance, all style, and crowds eat it up. Like eating cotton candy really, there's nothing to it, it's simply chewy rhetoric that melts away easily.
Celebs who act, sing, dance, have a natural talent, that is quite true, but when it comes to Economics, National Defense, Health Care, these vain, shallow loudmouths have no more knowledge than a fry cook, a car salesperson, or an insurance agent;what they do have is the abiltiy to spout their views to a big audience, which regular folks do not.
I was born into the mob life, I wanted to please my poor insane Father,,I was obsessive-compulsive, numbers engulfed me, so I excelled at taking bets,figuring out payments, and when I got to a certain age, I walked away from that , and now I simply lead my life, and attempt to be of service.
When I was in the life, the Collector, Andy Figlio, took me on a trip to a Hamptons party; his final warnings had been put out, and Collections were to be made. A big, wasteful, prideful Party.
We walk into the mansion, and there's so much Ego floating around it s sucking up all the oxygen; every singleperson spewing out details of their accomplishments, wealth, etc, very tedious, boring, annoying, the elite media was there and the bullshit was so heavy I needed hip boots. And their Plots against people were worse than I ever heard in Mama Suzie's Private Club.
They had your basic $500,000 swimming pool, what the hell is that?
500,000 grand?
Man some Esther Williams lookalike better be diving off a high board into
a pit of world class fireworks for that amount of money.
For 500 grand, the Olympic Champion Syncronized Dancing Team should come along with the floats and shit.
Or one of the pool corners better be a portal to the lost city of Atlantis, for 500,000 grand. Whew....
As we surveyed the scene, the beautiful, the extravagant, etc. I noticed 2 things. One, there's been enough plastic surgery in this place to stock a cannibal smorgsboard for a century. Everybody has tight faces and puffy lips,perfect noses, and flat stomachs, yet they were still complain, want more, etc..
I thought of medical waste and I had visions of nose pieces, crows feet, inverted breasts, etc. landing on the shoreline.
Among the guests, Liposuction seemed so rampant, that the excess fat could have filled a trough that ran from theHamptons toHollywood and fed many swine.
My Uncle Bag always told me that they use ass tissue to puff up girl's lips, and that each time the girl farts,her lips pucker. He was hurt, he thought girls were blowing him kisses, till he realized they were just polluting the atmospere with their low calorie gas.
The second thing I saw was 3 of the guests; they were big time loser gamblers, all of whom had
been late with their payments, and each was shuttled into a private room.
One was a big rap star/action hero actor, but in the room, he was mourning and groaning like one of the "Trojan Women". He was, as the our boss, Andy Figlio stated, "crying like some whelping bitch". Andy explained to Mr. Actor, "hey tell ya what, you run, and maybe all the our guys will have really bad aims like in the movies. Or even better, you was a super hero your last flick correct? Ok, we test it out, we see if youse can walk through a wall of flame."
His popular tv actress girlfriend was there, and Andy explained that if she danced in his strip club that could pay the debt. Of course her implanted boobs would be groped bynon-manicured fingernails and their d be some drooling, but what the heck!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, The Dude paid up, in full, that day.
The second guy was a big investment banker/internet genius who lost a fortune on football, but didn t think he should have to pay A VIG. Figlio said, "what like you don t charge interest on your loans asswipe?" When they told the banker they would "wall him up" in one of his Manhattan slum apartments, as Figlio explained, "Like in that Poe guys stuff", payment was made in full.
Lastly, speaking of Poe, I saw the hottest horror writer in the world, he of the scary words and the love of horse racing. He owed a ton. He said, "I have had a dream where a multi-colored horseraces to the finish line and gets me even." Figlio said, "I have had a dream where each of your appendages are tied to a different colored Mustangs as they speed away in differant directions." The check was written in less than 30 seconds.
An interesting trip to say the least.

People ask me The Scarf about the presidential races........like I give a shit. C'mon, we ve all seen the "Godfather" the strings holding up the puppet, no way am I ever gonna be that. Congress has like a 15% approval rating, would you have a job with that rating? No.
Would anybody? No.
With all their family member lobbyists, earmarks, speaking fees, the only sound coming out of Congress is not yes or no, it 's CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING, as they pad their wallets to the size of the Trojan Horse.
Picking a candidate for any, ANY OFFICE in this country is like being trapped in North Korea and eating their buffet, the choices are; Happy Family Pet, Sweet and Sour Old Horse, or Dissident General Tsao's Nuts in Hot Sauce. Ummmmmmmm
We need Change, but not Mutation. Can we all say FRANKENSTEIN!!!!!!!!!! Sure it sounded ok but didn t really work out that well.