UNCLE BAG

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UNCLE BAG

 

So, back home in the Western United States (naturally I can't say where, Witness Protection bullshit ok?); the horse tried to bite me, the sheep wanted to roll on me, the pig peed on my leg, the goat butted my ass, Thunder, the collie bared his teeth at me, And (inside the house) Puss N Boots puked up a ceramic cookie jar sized hairball. My lovely wife is selling exotic under garments to the local ladies, I come in and some girl, Contessa, is wearing a tiny bra and thong, whoops, yeah, that'll work, except that Contessa is 22 with 5 kids already, I mean, really her old man doesn t need any Encouragement, not even close.

Get a f--g hobby Hector.

Nana, my mother, is going through her unending process of sneezing, wheezing, coughing, farting, taking pills, taking her blood pressure, taking her pulse, taking a nap, yawning, itching, twitching and bitching. Welcome to Gamberony General, shitttttttt.

I walk on the porch, a frigging elk or doe or buffalo runs by, and then stupid Billy Bob appears before me. He says Thunder the collie is nasty and someone should mace him. I explained that a UPS driver did that once and all it accomplished it that he drove away on 3 wheels with 9 fingers. Billy Bob (unlike Running Deer), doesn t know I am in Witness Protection;

Billy Bob thinks I am Greek, and once owned a diner. He asks me if there is a Greek Mafia, and I told him yes, but instead of breaking legs, they break plates. And instead of sleeping with the fish, you sleep in the old hot dog water. Stupid bastard believed me. Running Deer showed up, we took a ride to town, and while standing outside the General Store, a big white Cadillac pulled up, and a gun toting old man got out of it

The old man with the gun approached me; Billy Bob who thinks I'm Greek was oblivious, Running Deer, who knows the truth, tensed up. The old man looked about, stretched, you could see the pistol in his pocket, he coughed, bent over, slowly straightened up, came briskly to me, shook his head, smiled, and kissed me full on the lips.

IT'S MY UNCLE BAG!!!!!!!!!!!

My late father's brother, Brutus Achilles Gamberony, and my favorite, if only, Uncle. Poor bastard has had so much surgery, you could feed an animal shelter for a month on the spare parts. Three scantily clad ladies followed him outof the car; Uncle Bag always had an entourage.

As I greeted Uncle BAG, my mind was filled with memories, ideas, visions of where I had been and was going; my father was a mob guy, the FBI tried to prove he was sane, but he was f-g nuts, we all knew that, he was gone.Every Christmas kids would come and sing carols, and he'd burst into "Good King Worcestershire", or sing and act out "Heat Miser" until the kids would give us back our $10 tip and even add $5 to shut him up. He usta knock cigarettes outta my mouth with a dog leash; it started as a hobby, and got out of hand, till it was the highlight of family get-togethers. He always wanted me and my brother to be his personal shooting gallery ducks, that is, bobbing left and right, as he tried to hit us with watermelon rinds. He kept score. He d also yell "Pull" and we d run while he tried to hit us with his slingshot. F--g crazy, my mom loved him, stopped his antics, but he was a looney tune.

Here is the song he sang to us as kids (this in a thick Italian accent) (an accent he developed at 35).

"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and drown the spider dead, out came the sun and burn the carcass dry, and the itsy bitsy spider ain't gonna catch no fly"

"The itsy bitsy ants went on my stove top, I turned on the jet, it cooked them quite a lot, Snapa-Crackle-Pop they all began to roast, and in just about a minute the colony was toast."

 

Brutus Achilles Gamberony, is a made guy, a retired guy, and my dear uncle; he got out of his car, his 3 hot girls stood on the street, posing like they were selling a freaking vowel, and I just shook my head. Uncle Bag said it s funny Achilles is his middle name, since his Achilles Heel is the only area he hasn t had surgery, infection, injury,etc. He's heard "Clear" more than most weather forecasters and be around more paddles than a canoe-rental or pro ping pong player. He figures he s been hit with enough total voltage to disable Godzilla.

Speaking of weather, Uncle Bag always watched the Spanish station for that; the girl walked about in a short skirt and tank top, and Bag would say, "Everyday's a great day when she's telling ya. Hit me with it baby, move that jet stream, sway them highs, jiggle them lows, lay that El Ninoon me". Uncle Bag couldn t speak Spanish, but his thought was, "Look at her, screw the weather, hell, if they show me a cloud with shit coming out of it, I ll carry a frigging umbrella."

Poor Uncle Bag, he has scars on his body that resemble the Russian Railway System;but he never quits. I asked about the girls, he told, rather simply, "I pay them, that s why they're here." Said they were good company, although the last time he had angina, he asked for a nitro and they gave him a Reeses Pieces.

Bag, being Bag, called Running Deer "Tonto" and Billy Bob "Huck Finn"; I explained Running Deeris my best friend, so Bag apologized and kissed him on both cheeks, I said Billy Bob was dangerous, he was a town employee. Bag said that only meant he was easy to buy off. I told him Billy Bob's cousin a was judge, Uncle Bag smiled, said, "even easier to pay off", I told him the other cousin was the Mayor, and Uncle Bag said "and there you go, we have a winner, the politician, not only the the easiest to bribe, but the cheapest. They bend over for a song."

He sent Billy Bob for coffees, warning, "I have diabetes, if you put sugar in mine, "I'll pull out your yellow picket fence teeth with ice tongs". Billy Bob seemed confused, scared,but we waved to him and he went on his task.

It was a warm day,and Bag told the girls. "Car wash huh, it's dirty, c'mon ladies, let s go". The girls were suddenly in bikinis, And washing the car. Running Deer and I watched the spectacle,and Bag explained, "They are fine ain't they, but ya know, I just look, it gets me through; shit the last time I had an orgasm was when I crossed the wires while jumpstarting my caddy.

Wow. Intense. Frigging Triple A ain t doing that for you. That s what I called Roadside Assistance."

He then ordered the girls to do WAX ON, WAX OFF, and they leaned into the car, needless tosay the effect was staggering,

Uncle Bag exclaimed "now how can you not like Wax on Wax off? The real soft shammy, he cleared his throat, although I worry, they all got implants, kinda hard, don t want them cutting the glass on the windows.

Uncle Bag is old school, real old, ancient; WOW he is. And, well, like my dear departed father, somewhat NUTS.

One time he was catherized due to kidney problems+was bagged,but he was in Florida, hot, and couldn t cover it up, so he simply stocked the plastic bag like it was a fishtank; he put a fake diver, Greek ruins, a treasure chest, plants; NUTTY MAN. . He said if Japanese Fighting Fish were so tough, how come they couldn t survive in the bag. Cause it s piss you lunatic.

He actually wantedto use food coloring to change the liquid's color at intervals, like somesort of lava lamp or some shit; I asked "what do you do if it turns red? "

He said, "Dial 911, hit the nearest E.R., or put 3 hollow points in my noodle". Uncle Bag is a screwball.