I returned to the USA, and my local lake was inhabited by Chinese Dragonfish (how they got there nobody knows), who crawl on land along with swimming, and who were terrorizing cattle, pit bulls, destroying tree houses, attacking jet skiers, until Billy Bob, Running Deer, and yours truly, THE SCARF, came up with a plan.
Billy Bob's other cousin, the mayor, figured we should poison the lake. He said that way people could swim in it during the summer. Yea, jackass, the summer of like 3006. Bad plan. Typical politician, misconnection between his head and mouth, speaks before his brain tells him what an asshole idea he had. Plus I was busy kissing my wife Marie, we had missed each other, we continued kissing till my mother, the haggis Nana, used her plant sprayer on us. She said the temperature in the house rose 50 degrees when we got together; like it s a frigging rain forest ride in Disney World or something.
Basta
Basta.
According to Billy Bob rumors persisted that the dragonfish had attacked a rowboat, spilling out the inhabitants and devouring their bait, a tuna salad sub, and a 6 pack of light beer; furthermore, they had returned to land and taken down a buffalo. I thought he was f----------g insane, butttttttttttt,
ok, time for action. Running Deer, Billy Bob and the Scarf went to the lake. Billy Bob said we should
Go Sailing across, if I'd a know that I woulda brought my Christopher Cross 8 track tapes;
Running Deer and I said no to that concept. We got Billy Bob a snorkel, a spear gun, tied an oven stuffer roaster to each of his legs, and heaved his ass into the water. Running Deer and I agreed, we were only deputy volunteers, Billy Bob got the big bucks, so if somebody was going down like Quint in this Jaws-like expedition it was gonna be him.
Billy Bob surfaced, and said he d encountered a man of war, and a great white; we explained he was in a f-----g lake, noticed the small frog on the end of his spear, and threw him under again. In case of trouble, Running Deer and I loaded our pistols, and made sure the sticks of TNT were dry. We figured if the fish came on land, we would crouching tiger hidden dragon blast their asses back to Shanghai.
Billy Bob surfaced again, and said we should maybe try to fool them or scare them. Fool them?
What? Yell over loud speakers that it was the year of the dragon fish, time for a parade?
Scare them? How? Bait the hook with a picture of Chang Kai Shek? See if they are defectors?
As Billy went down again, something rustled in the bushes, Running Deer and I set for a fight,
and Rufus came out. He wanted to take the fish alive, he was dragging big stones tied around
his waist and he dove in and sunk, well, like a stone. We hoped his scales didn t come off in the
lake. We also wondered whether the entire ph of the lake would be affected, would it be acid or base. Base, um, very base, Rufus hadn t seemed to have bathed in the new millenium.
Something surfaced, it was hideous, i told Running Deer, "my my you see the shit that floats up
around here". We realized it was Rufus, and as we didn t want to actually touch him, we used
a tree limb to yank him back on shore. He was face down. Oh no. I asked Running Deer,
"So, are we gonna save Man-Phibian or what? Running Deer straddled Rufus, trying to force out
the water, just as Billy Bob surfaced and explained although he had no problem with how people
got their kinky kicks, what he was seeing might actually be illegal. Running Deer got up and
beat up Billy Bob, while I straddled Rufus, and worked the water out. After about 3 gallons of water, a few newts, a seashell, a piece of tire, the chain from a shopping cart, and a crab claw came up, Rufus was fine. He wanted the crab claw for later.
Dr. Oglethorpe rode his new bike into the scene, dragging behind it his wagon, and inside the wagon was a big vat. Oglethorpe said he had an escape free aquarium in his basement; the lake would not be poisoned, the fish would not be killed, they would cause no more trouble, and Rufus would have 2 new pets. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Just then Rufus dropped his pants and pulled a starfishoff his genitals to the sound of a wet shower mat being ripped up. Whew. As Rufus fell out cold on the ground, Billy Bob looked down and had a chinese dragon fish locked tightly on to each boot (yes he wore steel tipped work boots). Oglethorpe shot a spray which knocked out the fish, and being Oglethorpe, his aim was off and Billy Bob went down too; Oglethorpe place the fish in the vat in the wagon, tied Rufus' leg to back of the wagon, got on his bike, threw it into low gear, and made off like some Cycle Carnival of Horror, his spindly legs pumping, the vats bouncing in the wagon, and the carcass of Rufus uprooting plants and dirt as it was dragged on the back end. Oglethorpe assured usall would be well, yelled a "thank you part---ners" and as they disappeared from sight, Rufus gave us the finger
(he actually used his 4th finger, the dumb bastard) as he was plowed through a prickly thorn bush. I mean Really.......... it was Rufus; starfish, thorns, what harm could they do?
Billy Bob awoke, said he was a hero, docked our pay for lack of effort, put us on report, and
felt we needed a switch taken to our asses to motivate us. I motivated him; I took a stick of
TNT and told him; "back off our I'll put this dynamite right between your wet nurse sized man boobs, let it go off, and then allow the carrion birds to finish up". He agreed my point was made, but justfor good luck Running Deer and I tossed him back into the lake. I'm sure we will
be hearing from his cousins, the judge, the politician, the lawyer, but we had about $156 between us so the payoffs would be simple and painless. Billy Bob re-surfaced and was spouting off about davy jone locker, the posideon adventure, orca, etc. as we drove away. If anything we mourned the starfish, being that close to Rufus, heck, you could re-route a river to wash you, burn potpourri till it quit right on the stove, nothing took away that odor, this ain t no Bed, Bath and Beyond gig here. Stagnation Unlimited ok!!!!!! I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY WIFE.......NOWWWWWWWWW
MARC ANTHONY GAMBERONY
No comments:
Post a Comment