The Rain Forest and Africa

Let me take you back; so Witness Protection wants to keep me safe, so bam boom, they send me to the Rain Forest; I wudda picked Club Med

or a cruise, but hey i can t be choosey. I'm wearing J.Crew pants, Starter shirts, sneakers, and my new rain forest friends are running around wearing

nothing but slingshots. And it looked kinda tight; I wanted to ask the guys, "Um are you trying to support your gill-yones or press wine from them?"

Man it hurt me just to look, for---get about it!!!!!!! I met this girl, she has a bamboo shoot stuck clean through her nose, she told me it was for adornment,

ah, I thought to myself, you know maybe a Scarf or a hairbow, leave the probiscus in tack. I m no one to talk my nose is so big every time I inhale

i lower the pollen count, but goodness that looks nasty. Some guys come, their 2 front teeth are missing, they told me it s to show they belong,

ah, again, the light bulb goes off and I think, maybe you coulda got jackets, you know nice lettering, "4th Tribe DownRiver" something like that,

save the old choppers. They have one phrase in the rain forest: ""POOF POOF", the blowgun. It can mean something simple like "I m sick of the rain",

something serious like "hey dummy you just shot my pet monkey" or something very direct as in, "hey, you old hag, you spit 4 times into that pot to tenderize,

how tender you gonna make it, I gotta eat that crap". Fun time; they bring in a wild boar, I m busy looking for a slice of pizza or a cheese steak.

I told them pork don t agree with me, some they fried me some fish that look like it came from prehistoric times, heck I wanted to check the expiration date.

But if I didn t eat it, they woulda validated my expiration date ticket. Wasn t there too long, long enough to see mosquitos the size of model airplanes

and spiders that could carry off entire dining room sets; the tribe asked me if I wanted to show my manhood by walking through Flames.

Ahhhhhhh thank you no, don t see any first aid kits or that silver burn stuff or pain killers, and besides, I m all man.

To prove my point, I took out my Magnum and shot 3 scorpions; who knew theyd be dessert? My treat Rain forest people

and n--------------ow, I m off to Africa

 

So I told you they sent me to Africa; I remember I de-planed then try to get back on

De Plane, cause I saw the huge, barren landscape, felt the heat singe my beard

(thank goodness for my olive complexion), and was sure that the humidity had

rotted my toes and disintegrated my underwear. I thought I had happened upon the

filming of "Lost World 4", but no, people waved me over, got me into a vehicle

(complete with bullet holes and shrapnel marks), and off we went into what they

termed, The Bush. Ah yes, let us wander deeply into "THE BUSH; me, who can t

stand to use public toilets, gets moderately carsick, and likes Room Service.

Hi-Ho off we go. I had to leave my Magnum at the airport, and as the smelly tree

hanging on the mirror failed miserably, I had images of a leopard dragging

a miserable me into; The Bush. Suddenly gunfire erupted; I thought I was at

the BETawards show and rival rappers had engaged each other, no, turns out it was

poachers and government troops involved in a misunderstanding about some

tusks. We paid some people off, they agreed to leave us alone, I met a witch doctor,

I talked to him for a bit, guy did good, took home 3 sheep, 6 chickens a week. Net.

He gave me a magical charm, I, in turn, bestowed on him, a CD of Jerry Vale’s

Greatest Hits and a free admission to the grandstand if he ever visits Belmont Park.

He seemed impressed. So we drove off and for the next hours saw many wild

beasts, some carcasses, some unidentifiable festering material, huge colonies of

insects, animal droppings over every size, shape, color, needless to say, I was

able to leave lunch still "a little hungry". Can you say Agita? We were out

stretching our legs, when it happened. A large group of baboons suddenly encircled

us; they showed their teeth, they growled, this was not good, as all the rifles were in

the land rover. I thought a rhino might horn me or a hippo bowl me over even

an elephant trunk me, but this? I was mad not scared. My guide said not to look

them in the eyes, which was tough since they were in my space, in my face, like

them things in the movie Aliens, salivating, howling. It was tense. The bigger ones

backed off a bit, figuring they d dissed us enough, but a smaller one kept up the act.

I m no tough guy, but I realize, if you take out the ringleader, the others domino out.

The smaller one screeched, turned his back to me, and showed me his butt; I paused,

measured the distance, took my field goal kicker’s stance, timed it, and buried my

sneaker up to the heel in that baboon’s rear end. He howled, the others ran off, he

followed them, and dragged me along for 300 yards, till finally my foot came loose and

my sneaker disappeared into "The Bush". It was like an amusement park ride.

Now I’m standing in the jungle with one socked foot, that would never do, I saw

"The Lion King" I know what s on the ground; things with pinchers, long tongues,

poisons, and on and on ad nauseum. So I hopped around, till the guide got me

a cane, and then I resembled either the spirit of "76" or Jack Hawkins in "The

Bridge on the River Kwai". We relaxed in the safety of our vehicle and actually

nodded off. When we awoke, a horde of Zulu warriors came by, carrying

a baboon, THE BABOON, gently on a stick; they explained that they practiced the

mystical African religion Uli Kebassi Vendu and that Uli, the earth spirit, was about

to be reborn. Hmmmmmm. To me, just me, he coulda made a much more

dramatic entrance, and the delivery system might been a bit more subtle. I

was also amazed that if it was indeed Uli, he wore Reeboks. The warriors were

quite excited, and a I looked at them, something told me these dudes had

probably placed no worse than second in the spear throw competition. So I

shut my mouth. And hid my other foot.